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STANFORD, CA—Concluding that the window in which to give themselves a little pat on the back was rapidly closing, a report released Monday by Stanford University found that Americans needed to cut carbon emissions by 3% in order to tell…

FEMA, a perennial target for conspiracy theorists, has faced an uptick in misinformation since Hurricane Helene struck. The Onion separates the myths from the facts surrounding the Federal Emergency Management Agency. MYTH: FEMA…

VATICAN CITY—In an effort to give himself a breather after more than a decade ministering to his flock, Pope Francis announced Friday that he had excommunicated all of the world’s Catholics so he could have a quiet weekend alone. “It’s just…

Trunk-or-treat events, an alternative to traditional door-to-door trick-or-treating, have increased in popularity as parents grow wary of letting their children stray. Here are tips for organizing your own community trunk-or-treat…

PROVIDENCE, RI—Feeling too overwhelmed by the myriad options to make a decision, area hostage-taker Jason Harmon reportedly asked negotiators Thursday what people usually demand. “I thought a demand would just come to me after I pulled out…

Americans’ trust in mass media hit a new low again in Gallup’s annual survey on confidence in the press, while faith in the Supreme Court inched upward. Gallup reported the results of the group’s latest poll on trust in the news media…

NEW YORK—With the struggling newspaper admitting this was the final nail in its coffin, The New York Times announced this week that it would permanently cease publication, saying there was no way it could compete with The Onion’s newly…

WASHINGTON—Despite polls that show the American public overwhelmingly supports keeping the ancient burial chamber sealed, the Supreme Court ruled 6-3 Friday to pry open the evil tomb of Batibat, a vengeful spirit who haunts the dream space…

SPARTANBURG, SC—Opting not to choose sides, sources told reporters today that neither member of separating couple Max Kiely and Jennifer Rush kept their friends after the breakup. “After hearing both perspectives on how this breakup went…

CHICAGO—Gawking at the novel sight with her mouth agape, 32-year-old tourist Helena Jensen told reporters this week that she was impressed by the immense size of Chicago’s residents. “Back home, we don’t have anything this massive, you…