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Instagram launched “Teen Accounts” last week, a new effort aimed at protecting users between 13 and 17. Here are some of the features the social media giant has developed to protect minors on the platform. Beheading limits: Instagram will…

LAKE OF FIRE, HELL—Complaining that it was almost impossible to get any torturing done with the constant interruption, hellspawn were reportedly annoyed Friday by the sound of earth’s residents stomping around overhead. “It’s just…

ÖLAND, SWEDEN—Assuring her children that she really meant it this time, Mother Earth reportedly insisted Friday that she didn’t want any pagan sacrifices this autumn equinox. “I know you think this is just me being self-effacing, but I…

WHIPPANY, NJ—Calling the contraceptive device a novel breakthrough in hormone-free birth control, the IUD brand Mirena unveiled a new intrauterine owl Thursday that perches near a patient’s eggs to scare away sperm. “This FDA-approved…

Diddy: ‘I Will Beat These Charges Senseless’ - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: September 18, 2024 More News in Photos Read More…

ATHENS, OH—A Mexican migrant reportedly stole an occupational injury Wednesday from a hardworking American, seizing the opportunity for a broken arm from a resident who grew up in this country. “I could have been the one out there…

MALIBU, CA—Groaning as his bruised head thumped along the tiled flooring, 35-year-old injured cyclist Paul Zablocki briefly regained consciousness to see Robert F. Kennedy Jr. dragging him by the legs into the former presidential…

MOSCOW—Explaining that Russia’s patience on the matter had finally reached a breaking point, officials in Moscow confirmed Friday they had expelled six British diplomats who would not shut up about Doctor Who. “London must realize that…

Ultra-processed foods are a category of foods that includes frozen pizzas, sodas, and sweetened breakfast cereals. The Onion examines the myths and facts surrounding ultra-processed foods. MYTH: Ultra-processed foods contain…

VATICAN CITY—In an effort to curb a rising number of immoral offenses, the Corps of Gendarmerie of Vatican City announced Friday the deployment of a new unit of highly trained sin-sniffing dogs. “This unit of elite K-9 officers has been…