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THE HEAVENS—Admitting that He had barely even noticed the leader of the Catholic Church had died, God, our Lord and Heavenly Father, announced Tuesday that He was too obsessed with ants right now to focus on the next pope. “While I want to…

WASHINGTON—Looking around with despair as he searched for an open seat in the Pentagon cafeteria, U.S. Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was reportedly forced to drink his lunch alone Wednesday. According to witnesses, the 44-year-old…

VATICAN CITY—Landing in the emergency room after he ended his solemn Easter blessing by vomiting bright colors from a balcony onto the crowd in St. Peter’s Square, His Holiness Pope Francis was admitted back into the hospital Sunday as a…

Experts recommend that every family keep a “go bag,” a portable survival kit packed with enough supplies to last at least three days in an emergency. The Onion shares tips for preparing a go bag of your own. A multitool, such as a Swiss…

WASHINGTON—Staunchly defending his decision to share sensitive military data in messages to his wife, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth told reporters Monday, “There are no state secrets in a healthy relationship.” “Communication is key in…

VATICAN CITY—Saying he couldn’t help but think “I told you so” in the wake of the bishop of Rome’s death, Cardinal Giuseppe Betori of Florence confirmed Monday that he was feeling pretty vindicated after having spent all of Easter dinner…

WASHINGTON—Lifting up the hem of existence as she gestured for the kids to go within and explore, Melania Trump reportedly informed children visiting the White House on Sunday that she had hidden many Easter eggs behind the curtain of…

AUGUSTA, ME—In a stunning discovery that linked all 1.4 million residents to a grisly unsolved cold case, the U.S. Department of Justice escalated its attacks on Maine Friday when it allegedly planted a gun on the state. “Well, well, well,…

SANTA FE, NM—Appearing visibly giddy as they released to the public a new barrage of information about the deceased couple’s living conditions, personal lives, and private health issues, local authorities announced Friday that even they…

Colossal Biosciences claims it has brought back the dire wolf, a species that went extinct thousands of years ago, by editing the genes of gray wolves. The Onion examines the pros and cons of resurrecting extinct species. PRO: No other…