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MINNEAPOLIS—After months of declining sales at the retail chain, experts confirmed Tuesday that Target was losing market share due to more Americans opting to forgo all earthly possessions. “While Target used to have a loyal customer base…

WASHINGTON—Revealing a steep decline in the populace’s knowledge of its own country, a distressing survey commissioned Monday by the Department of Education found that most U.S. citizens are unable to name all 340 million Americans. “The…

WASHINGTON—Touting the coin as the first in American history to feature an assassin, the United States Mint introduced a controversial new John Wilkes Booth penny Friday. “With this one-cent coin, we honor John Wilkes Booth, a man who,…

Biden Wanders Into Flames - The Onion Share Published: January 10, 2025 Advertising Explore Tags Related Coverage Advertising…

There’s nothing surprising about the fact that ABC’s resident Captain Hammer wannabe uses clothespins to nip the waist of his perfectly clean firefighter jacket like a department store mannequin — or that he would take the time to do so…

WASHINGTON—Saying that the singer’s ridiculous fashion sense would be a balm in a difficult time, the nation’s distraught populace confirmed Thursday that it had never needed Pharrell to show up in a crazy hat more than it does right now.…

LOS ANGELES—Admitting that he regretted his actions given the devastation wrought by wildfires through much of the Los Angeles area, California Gov. Gavin Newsom apologized Thursday after he was spotted dining at the smoldering remains of…

WASHINGTON—Peeking out of his coffin with one eye open, a jealous President-elect Donald Trump reportedly threw his own state funeral Thursday in an effort to upstage the late Jimmy Carter’s ceremony. “I’m way deader than he is,” mumbled…

Compared to similar high-income nations, Americans spend twice as much on healthcare, yet have lower life expectancies and higher infant mortality rates. The Onion looks at the key facts and figures behind the U.S. healthcare system. …

Jurors were reportedly “intently listening” to the evidence presented on Tuesday in the defamation case against CNN that appeared to undermine CNN’s argument. Fox News’ Brian Flood reported that “the jury is locked in, listening intently”…