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WASHINGTON—Declaring the utter lack of alcohol in the Pentagon kitchen to be a “national emergency,” Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth reportedly deployed 3,000 troops American on a beer run Monday. “As of this morning, I have ordered our…

ST. PAUL, MN—Making an impassioned plea to his colleagues in an effort to inspire concrete action, Gov. Tim Walz of Minnesota publicly called on his fellow Democrats Monday to return his Tupperware at once. “To the esteemed members of the…

Andrew Tate Grabs Some Romanians From Airport Gift Shop - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: February 28, 2025 More News in Photos Explore…

SILVER SPRING, MD—As mass firings of career experts and scientists continued to roil the federal government, officials confirmed Friday that cuts to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration had left a single set of wind chimes as…

WASHINGTON—In a move designed to promote unity and establish efficiency at the federal level, President Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday making the nation’s official language remedial English. “Going forward, all government…

VATICAN CITY—Revealing that he had quickly distinguished himself at the four-day invitation-only event, Vatican sources confirmed Friday that Cardinal Timothy M. Dolan, a 75-year-old American prelate with a 3-foot vertical leap, had emerged…

BETHESDA, MD—Ushering in a new, highly advanced era of creepy-crawly warfare, defense contractor Lockheed Martin announced Friday that it had developed a giant tactical rubber spider. “With the introduction of this state-of-the-art rubber…

MIAMI—Asserting that many differing perspectives on the fruit were readily available online, billionaire Jeff Bezos reportedly sent a note to staff at the Amazon-owned Whole Foods this week strictly forbidding the criticism of grapes. “I…

In an effort to win back customers and boost profits, Starbucks’ new CEO Brian Niccol is implementing sweeping changes. Here is a selection of the innovations Niccol is making. Baristas will use Sharpies to get high at work again…

WASHINGTON—Insisting they were serious this time as they addressed all 340 million Americans, officials with the U.S. Department of Education sternly announced Thursday that they were counting to three. “All right, we’re not playing around…