NHL

NEW YORK CITY – Despite Gary Bettman’s disastrous handling of the Brad Aldrich scandal, NHL insiders say owners are likely to stick with him as commissioner due to his amazing track record of making almost no improvements during his 28 year…

NEW YORK CITY – In the wake of revelations concerning the horrific sexual assault of Kyle Beach and the Chicago Blackhawks subsequent coverup, NHL commissioner Gary Bettman promised players, fans and sponsors that the NHL would never allow…

TORONTO – As the Maple Leafs take to the ice to begin their season, MLSE PR have announced a number of pre-game festivities, including the usual apology for the catastrophic failure that was last season. “Tonight’s home opener will include…

TORONTO – After the Blue Jays were eliminated from playoff contention in dramatic fashion due to the Yankees and Red Sox both coming back to win their games yesterday, experts agree that Toronto fans are now in the absolute ideal mental…

OTTAWA – In the wake of changing his position on abortion, guns and the carbon tax, Erin O’Toole has also announced that he no longer plans to sell corporate naming rights to all of Canada’s national parks, a plan he had never…

EDMONTON – In an effort to combat climate change, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has forced the Edmonton NHL team to change its name from the Oilers to the Wind Turbines. “This is the central pillar of my climate change platform,” announced…

MONTREAL – Montreal Canadiens General Manager Marc Bergevin submitted three bizarre offer sheets in the wee hours of the morning to NHL head offices. He commandeered the Habs Twitter account posting: “I’ll show you! I’ll show you all!”…

TORONTO – The NHL is reporting progress in their plan to drive away all but their most disturbed and depraved fans by choosing to support sexual offenders and violent, racist trolls. “Unfortunately our league currently has a diverse group…

TORONTO – With the NHL offseason in full swing Leafs fans have begun engaging in their usual speculation and prognostication concerning how the team could make itself better by trading some of their bad players for much better players…

Tampa Bay, FL – The Tampa Bay Lightning won the Stanley Cup last night, proving once and for all that, in a salary cap league, a team that blatantly exceeds the salary cap will usually be better than teams that don’t. “In a league where…