Ontario

ONTARIO – Doug Ford’s government has finally brought to an end the province’s vaccine mandates for restaurants, allowing everyone to once again enjoy dining at the province’s many wonderful restaurants, as long as they aren’t…

QUEEN’S PARK – As Ontario hospitals find themselves ill-equipped and under-staffed to treat skyrocketing COVID numbers, Premier Doug Ford announced a new line of self-serve hospital beds to clear the bottleneck. “Right now beds are VERY…

ETOBICOKE, ON – As students head back to school across the province, Ontario is holding out hope for a coveted 100% on their symptomatic COVID-19 PCR tests. “Of all the province-wide standardized testing practices, I think this is the one…

TORONTO – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has just announced that restaurants and bars will be able to open indoor dining at reduced capacity on January 31st and then, following another lockdown caused by spiking cases and a failing health…

ETOBICOKE — After reports surfaced that Doug Ford was spending Toronto’s first major blizzard of the year driving around helping drivers stranded by snow in his district, school teachers from across the city began deliberately driving into…

OTTAWA – Ontario’s Ministry of Health outlined back-to-school Covid-19 policies for teachers, students, and parents on Monday, explaining that moving forward, parents will only be notified about potential Covid-19 exposures if their child’s…

TORONTO – After cancelling school classes for another two weeks less than two days before they were set to resume, Ontario Premier Doug Ford said it was a very difficult decision he could have made weeks ago. “I decisively procrastinated on…

ETOBICOKE – After being forced to live at his cottage in Muskoka because access to his house is blocked, Doug Ford asked his daughter, Krista Haynes, if she and her anti-vaxx friends could please get out of the driveway. “My friends,” said…

QUEEN’S PARK – Reports indicate that dire circumstances throughout Doug Ford’s Ontario are actually due to it being a fantastical alternate reality, created by a Christmas angel in order to teach a desperate local man about the worth of his…

GUELPH, ON – While reportedly aware that he has only 7 shopping days until Christmas, local man Thomas Yeates is reportedly confident that a full province-wide Omicron lockdown will rescue him from any gift-giving obligations. “Come on…