Ontario

QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has relented to public pressure and permitted the re-opening of most major municipal centres so long as the population commits to a pinky-swear en masse to abstain from spreading COVID-19. “I know…

TORONTO – Ontario’s Minister of Long Term Care Merrilee Fullerton was rushed out of a media scrum after being briefly exposed to accountability yesterday. The minister will spend the next 14 days in isolation from any scrutiny. Fullerton…

TORONTO – The Ontario government has responded to the Auditor General of Ontario’s Special Report on Pandemic Readiness and Response in Long-Term Care by surrendering it to a long-term home until the inevitable happens. “The report’s…

TORONTO – Following months of frustration surrounding Ontario’s delayed vaccine rollout, officials have announced the launch of a new website that will allow Ontarians to sign up for a pretend waitlist just for funsies! “People have been so…

Ontarians rejoice! After over a year of tireless advocacy from workers and healthcare advocates, the Ontario government has finally taken a major step in halting the spread of COVID 19 by proposing workers receive 3 paid sick days to be…

OTTAWA – Health officials in Ontario have announced those eligible for their COVID-19 vaccines may either make an appointment with their health provider or participate in a stampede trampling everything in their wake like a herd of spooked…

TORONTO – In an upset win, Ontario Premier Doug Ford took home the Academy Award for Best Leading Actor due to his performance crying crocodile tears for all the people dying of COVID as a result of his policies. “The top actors bring…

TORONTO – As they reflected from their places of quarantine, Ontarians reminisced about the late Toronto mayor Rob Ford, whose tenure from 2010-2014 didn’t lead to the deaths of thousands. Many longed for a simpler time when another Ford…

GEORGIAN BAY, ON – Stacey Amber, a woman who has told you on many occasions without provocation she “doesn’t get gender pronouns” has requested you use “vaccine-hesitant” when addressing her. “It’s really about respecting and creating a…

TORONTO – Caving to political pressure, Premier Doug Ford and his provincial government announced they will be launching paid sick days, but only for residents who live carefully selected postal codes where major Ontario PC donors live.…