Ontario

TORONTO – The Ontario government is racing to fix a huge oversight with COVID-19 vaccines after realizing they also need to actually administer them to people. “I just don’t know how someone, probably me, could have overlooked this,” said…

BARRIE, ON – In the wake of soaring COVID-19 deaths of patients of long-term care facilities, industry leaders have announced they will remove the words “long” and “care” in order to clear up any misconceptions. The newly-described “Term…

TORONTO – The Office of the Auditor General of Ontario has unveiled a new line of digital tracking devices that vibrate every time Doug Ford posits a very stupid idea. The Auditor General says the new bracelets will alert Ontarians whenever…

TORONTO – With the remaining Ontario schools finally open again, Premier Doug Ford is determined to ensure a safe return to the classroom – by setting up a snitch line for heathen parents who taught their kids sex ed during lockdown. “In…

TORONTO – With the NHL’s all-Canadian North Division being given permission to dine indoors in certain Ontario restaurants, local Mack Blastor’s server Tom Kramer says he is thrilled to soon catch a potentially deadly virus from one of his…

TORONTO – Tim Hortons and the Ontario government have signed a sponsorship deal to promote the chain’s egg sandwich and other items at provincial press conference related to the pandemic. Premier Doug Ford signed the deal after receiving a…

With Ontario now in its second lockdown of the COVID-19 pandemic, the popularity of homemade sourdough has fallen just as quickly as our loaves rose (sometimes). But no need to fret. There is a new culinary kid on the block: bathtub wine!…

TORONTO – Last week, Ontario premier Doug Ford announced that his administration is committed to bringing the COVID-19 situation under control by no later than the 7th major spike in cases. “While the province is undoubtedly still…

WELLAND – A city in Niagara has expropriated land from a fifth generation farm to further develop its abandoned and contaminated land industry. Urban planners and local politicians in Welland have prioritized turning prosperous agriculture…

QUEEN’S PARK – Asked by journalists what Ontario’s new stay-at-home order categorizes as an essential trip Premier Ford answered, with a twinkle in his eye, “If you’re fair of heart and true of faith, look inside – the answer lies within.”…