Op-Ed

The problem with kids these days is they're soft, like the Pillsbury Doughboy. They play with their cyber reality face goggles and their iPods and eDroids and what-not all day long. They've never experienced any real hardship. If you ask me…

Op-Ed: I Know I'm On The Right Side Of History Because Every Corporation In America Agrees With Me I'm on the right side of history, and my political opponents are on the wrong one. How do I know this? I know this because every major…

Op-Ed: Women Should Be Paid The Same As Men For Playing Soccer: NOTHING. So there’s this press conference where this Megan Rapinoe is complaining she’s not getting paid the same for doing the same work as a man. So I’m like, “Well, what…

Women are important. None of us would even be here if it weren’t for some woman birthing us. But are women treated as important? Well, look at it this way: Did you know that almost 8% of Fortune 500 companies have women as CEOs? Can you…

If you see a barrel coming at you down some girders, what do you do? Well, I guess you have a lot of options. You could dodge to the side. You could pull out a machine gun and shoot it. You could call up the police and say, “Hey! A giant…

Op-Ed: Today's Youth Simply Don’t Have The Work Ethic To Build The Gulags Needed For Their Communist Ideals When I was young, there wasn’t nothing scarier than the Commies. They were out there, waiting to destroy all freedom and destroy all…

Op-Ed: We Must Stop The Old, Incoherent, Corrupt White Man By Electing A Different Old, Incoherent, Corrupt White Man The man in the White House is too old to govern. He is incoherent. He is rich. He has been accused of sexual misconduct.…

Noxious speech is causing tangible harm to the best country on earth, the Democratic People's Republic of Korea. Yet this fact implies a question so uncomfortable that many of us go to great lengths to avoid asking it. Namely, what…

Hey, loyal subjects of the Empire. Darth Vader here, Dark Lord of the Sith and renowned pro-choice advocate. Plenty of buzz has been going around the comlinks about if we should have destroyed Alderaan. Some people claim we are killing…

Listen up, all you liberal snowflakes and leftist charlatans: You can argue all day long about global warming being real, using whatever so-called “facts” or “science” or “verifiable record temperatures” or “rising sea levels” you want. You…