orgasm

MISSOULA, MT—Bringing significant attention to the fact that the person who gave birth to you has carnal needs and desires just like anyone else, a report released inside your head Tuesday confirmed that your mother is a sexual creature.…

Start SlideshowTake this quiz to see if you have the knowledge and skills required to sexually pleasure a woman. AdvertisementPrevious SlideNext SlideQ: Which of these women deserve to feel pleasure? Q: Which of these women deserve to feel…

SAN FRANCISCO—In an astounding medical breakthrough for the brain microchip company, Neuralink researchers confirmed Wednesday that the first brain implant recipient had successfully performed depraved sexual acts on Elon Musk. “Although…

BOCA RATON, FL—Letting out several deep moans as she remarked upon the terrible winter storm battering the Midwest, local mom Carrie Whittacker, currently on vacation in southern Florida, reportedly took an almost pornographic pleasure…

WASHINGTON—Admitting that some types of physiques were simply too disgusting to accept, Americans across the country announced Thursday that they drew the line on body positivity at men with oddly small nipples. “While we support people of…

THE HEAVENS—Admitting that His heavenly dictates had made the Franciscan friar suffer enough, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, reportedly threw celibate monk Roberto Nevastri a pity wet dream this week. “He’s been so good resisting…

WASHINGTON—Spreading the word ahead of time so that Americans wouldn’t be caught off guard, President Joe Biden announced that all of the nation’s vibrators would buzz at 2 p.m. today in a test of the Emergency Stimulation Program. “This…

WASHINGTON—Warning citizens of a rising threat to the nation’s youth, U.S. officials cautioned Tuesday that knife-wielding doctors were roaming the country in search of adolescent children they could force to be trans. “Across America,…

NEW YORK—Confirming decades of speculation about the Hollywood icon’s behavior, a report released Thursday found that Tom Cruise’s orgasms look and sound exactly how you’d imagine them. “Our findings confirm that if you think—as many of us…

Concertgoers say an attendee at a Los Angeles Philharmonic performance this past week reportedly had what one witness called “a loud and full-body orgasm” during Tchaikovsky’s Symphony No. 5. What do you think?“I hate when shows try to sh…