penis

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TALLAHASSEE, FL—With its legislature passing a resolution that cited the rich and significant history of the reproductive organ, Florida named the penis its official state genital on Wednesday. “It fills me with great pleasure to sign this…

PLAINS, GA—As he finished getting ready for his first night out since the passing of his wife Rosalynn earlier this month, former President Jimmy Carter reportedly sprayed a little cologne down the front of his pants Thursday before a big…

KANSAS CITY, MO—Noting that despite being old and tattered, the contraceptive was still his good luck charm, Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes admitted to reporters Thursday that he wore the same condom every time he had sex.…

PUEBLO, CO—With the body it was attached to measuring well below average, a local penis was reportedly feeling self-conscious Wednesday about how small his man was. “I know it shouldn’t be a big deal, but I have a lot of insecurity about…

America is a nation whose strength has long derived from its diversity. Even in the bedroom, U.S. citizens vary not just in their tastes, but also in what diseases they’ve contracted on what orifices while sleeping with each other. That,…

Porn, in all its hairless, vaguely consensual glory, gives everyday Americans an unrealistic view of how disgusting sexual intercourse really is. While you may think you look like the MILFs, naughty stepsons, or barely legal teens that you…

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CLEVELAND—Rushing into action mere moments before the situation reached a point of no return, heroic police officer Samuel Esposito reportedly talked a man down Tuesday from the edge of climaxing. “Sir, before you do something drastic that…

CINCINNATI—Admitting that he had an avoidant personality that often left him closed off to new possibilities, local man Stanley Fox reportedly stepped out of his comfort zone Friday by flashing his penis to diners at popular restaurant…