penis

BOWLING GREEN, OH—Complaining about the “woke mind virus” that had taken over the campus, Bowling Green State University economics professor Gerard Admussen told reporters Monday that the overly sensitive college students require a trigger…

LOS ANGELES—Reaching an extraordinary milestone in his quest for longevity, 45-year-old tech billionaire Bryan Johnson announced Thursday that his penis was finally as small as a baby’s. “Harnessing the power of biohacking, I’ve managed to…

SAN FRANCISCO—In one of a slew of major changes to hit the social media site, owner Elon Musk confirmed Monday that the homepage for X, formerly known as Twitter, would now feature a photo of an erect penis that was impossible to close out…

LOS ANGELES—Inundated with explicit and obscene messages from strangers online, the direct message folder of local dog Coco, a female beagle with 1.3 million followers on Instagram, was reportedly filled with unsolicited dick pics Tuesday.…

WASHINGTON—Eyes welling up with tears as their time together came to an end, federal agents reportedly gazed at a photo of Hunter Biden’s penis one last time Tuesday before officially closing the pertinent investigation. “I suppose that’s…

BRISTOL, CT—Remarking how he looked exactly like her late husband when they were in high school, local mother Janet Greene told her son Friday that his dad would be “so proud of him” as she adjusted his condom before prom. “Son, I know it’s…

Experts say that a nearly 2,000-year-old wooden, penis-shaped object that was recently discovered in England could have served as a sexual tool by ancient Romans in Britain. What do you think?“We’re closer than ever to confirming that…

WASHINGTON—Realizing there were only hours left before the big moment, the U.S. populace reportedly kicked into overdrive Tuesday as it frantically prepared for romantic ejaculation. “Hurry up! Light the candles, arrange the flowers—it’s…

French president Emmanuel Macron has announced that starting in 2023, condoms would be made available for free in pharmacies for 18- to 25-year-olds in a bid to reduce the spread of STIs, which increased by 30% over the last two years. What…

ATLANTA – Coca-Cola CEO Bryan O’Malley acknowledged this morning what industry insiders had long suspected: that the only reason the company sells the 222ml mini can version is so guys sending sexually explicit pictures can make their dicks…