pets

WINDSOR — Local cat Furvel Mittenpaws has sent shockwaves through the Watson household after deliberately knocking over the family’s swear jar in an act of pure malice. “That son of a bitch knew exactly what the fuck he was doing,” said…

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CHARLESTON, SC—Making what onlookers described as an embarrassing scene, local dog Cooper and his owner, Michelle Arkin, were having a public fight in the middle of a farmers market, sources reported Monday. “Cooper! Cooper, you will behave…

TORONTO – Brandi Bepple was shocked to discover her daughter’s gerbil, Peanut, has already surpassed her 2023 fitness goals, despite her extensive preparation and detailed vision boarding. Bepple purchased the two-month-old Mongolian gerbil…

VANCOUVER – An international team of scientists has concluded a revolutionary study investigating the inner workings of the animal mind and the results are: nothing interesting. The study involved dozens of scientists from around the world…

LONDON, UK – Following the death of Queen Elizabeth II, the world’s corgi population is scrambling to find a new trademark to stay relevant in the global dog scene. “We’ve been trying out a few things, but nothing is really sticking,” said…

TIMMINS, ON — Upon hearing the unmistakable sound of a scoop dig into a wet clump of litter, three-year-old Muffins Fitzwilliam has climbed atop his cat tree to look down upon you with the quiet, menacing authority of a tiny feudal lord.…

NAPANEE – A recent trip to the vet has drained hundreds of absolute units from your bank account after it was confirmed your furbaby was in perfect health. The vet was heckin’ thrilled to report they found nothing wrong despite a bill…

HAMILTON, ON – According to a new study from McMaster University, half of all home exercise is begging the family dog to leave you alone while you still have the will to move. One participant, Andrew McPatrick, confirms the…