Politics

WASHINGTON—In a historic outcome that promised to halt the rising scourge of the United States in its tracks, America has defeated America at the ballot box, sources confirmed Wednesday. “After 248 years of tense and often divisive…

Former President Donald Trump has definitively won the 2024 presidential election. Even the lachrymose corporate media have begrudgingly conceded that fact. But it seems Vice President Kamala Harris has entered the witness relocation…

PALM BEACH, FL—In a five-minute phone call that both campaigns described as largely cordial, President-elect Donald Trump reportedly called Vice President Kamala Harris Wednesday morning to congratulate himself on winning. “Madame Vice…

WASHINGTON—Crossing their arms and tapping their feet impatiently, election officials across the nation announced Tuesday night that they wouldn’t release the results of the 2024 presidential race until you had brushed your teeth and put on…

WASHINGTON—Squirming and saying “no, no, no” while aides attempted to calm him down, second gentleman of the United States Doug Emhoff was forced to sit in a corner at his wife’s election night watch party after getting too hyper, sources…

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Wanting to ensure her supporters had ample space to celebrate the big win together, a confident Jill Stein told reporters Tuesday that she had selected Gillette Stadium for her election night watch party. “I think 65,000…

PALM SPRINGS, FL—Nervously tossing his turned-off phone out of arm’s reach, an anxious Donald Trump told reporters Tuesday that he was spending election night watching old Gilmore Girls episodes in bed. “I can’t deal with all this election…

CNN Touchscreen Map Already Covered In Peanut Butter - The Onion News In Photos Share Published: November 5, 2024 More News in Photos Explore Tags…

ROCKFORD, MI — Several sources have come forward to accuse local man Bryce Harrison of stolen valor after the 54-year-old appeared in public wearing an "I Voted" sticker that he had purchased on Amazon.According to allegations, Harrison is…

PHILADELPHIA — As Trump began to take the lead in Pennsylvania exit polls, state officials announced they had accidentally misplaced all of their voting machines."I'm sorry to say that all of the election machines are gone," said…