Politics

PHILADELPHIA — As Trump began to take the lead in Pennsylvania exit polls, state officials announced they had accidentally misplaced all of their voting machines."I'm sorry to say that all of the election machines are gone," said…

MADISON, WI — A local white male has made the courageous decision to vote for Kamala to preserve his daughter's right to murder his grandchildren.Several reporters caught up with the man to ask what drove him to make such a principled…

The first time I saw Donald Trump in person was at the Cleveland debate in 2015 when he mocked Rosie O’Donnell as a “fat pig,” “dog,” “slob,” and a “disgusting animal” following a question from Megyn Kelly. I then stood at the Capitol and…

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Expressing concern about his inability to control his own body, local Neuralink brain-implant patient Emmett Shultz told reporters Tuesday that he was unable to stop his right hand from casting a vote for former President…

WASHINGTON—With Americans experiencing long lines in many precincts across the country, an Election Day report has confirmed that high turnout this year can be primarily attributed to large numbers of people mistakenly voting on vending…

CEDARBURG, WI—Touting the importance of doing his own research, local uninformed citizen Steven Powers was reportedly seen in line at his polling place Tuesday scrambling to learn everything he could about the last 2,500 years of democracy…

HARRISBURG, PA—Pursing his lips while he examined the “I Vorted” sticker displayed on his jacket, local man Doug Matney was beginning to worry Tuesday that the place where he had cast his ballot wasn’t a legitimate polling site. “I was…

WASHINGTON—With cortisol levels spiking to all-time highs, the stressed-out U.S. populace reportedly asked former President Barack Obama on Tuesday if it could bum 340 million cigarettes. “Hey, man, if we could have one, or maybe 340…

TULSA, OK — According to sources, local colorblind man Jim Cone has no idea who is winning the presidential race from looking at the electoral map."Woah, honey, it looks like Michigan is going from dark grey to light grey," said Cone to his…

WASHINGTON D.C. — Business owners around Washington D.C. have begun preparing for an overwhelming outpouring from the ‘Party Of Joy' by decorating their storefronts with highly durable yet cost-efficient plywood.Just one day before the…