prevention

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION—Offering no further data or reason for the information’s release, an ominous new report published Tuesday by anonymous researchers from an unknown institution just lists places to hide. “Underground tunnels, remote…

NEW YORK—In a brazen display of authoritarianism that would no doubt terrify privacy advocates worldwide, Orwellian IT professional Kevin Wu reportedly asked Thursday if employee Andrew Miles could stop looking at furry pornography on his…

LOS ANGELES—Operating in accordance with local laws, the bouncer at an L.A. nightclub was reportedly checking Internet Movie Database pages at the door, sources confirmed Friday. “Okay, people, please have your IMDB pages open on your phone…

MIDDLEBOROUGH, MA—Responding to an emergency call Tuesday from a victim of domestic violence, local police placed Cindy Tarnes, 37, under arrest for tattling on her abuser. “An officer arrived at the scene of what appeared to be an…

CHICAGO—In a rousing success story that has eliminated all criminal activity from the streets of the metropolis, Chicago was finally declared safe Thursday after every single resident was hired as a police officer. “As part of our…

WASHINGTON—An AMBER Alert ringing out across the country to no one, the nation was placed in a state of emergency Thursdayafter the entire population went missing. “After being unable to determine the whereabouts of all 330 million…

YAKIMA, WA—Indignant over her continued ability to burn, visibly angry local woman Maria Williams, who is currently ablaze, asked aloud Tuesday why she even bothered to get a Covid-19 vaccine if it turned out she could still catch fire.…