relationships

GARLAND, TX—Rambling on about how she had always harbored “feelings, um, you know, like, the romantic kind” for him, area woman Kayla Sullivan was reportedly losing steam while professing her love to her crush Tuesday because she thought he…

JASPER BC—According to sources close to the matter, primarily their quietly baffled cat, Muffins, Hannah Mitchell and Victor Chang successfully spent five straight hours on Friday date night refusing to impose any preference on each other…

EVERETT, WA—In an effort to emulate the pleasurable sensation of contact with another person, single man Henry Goldfarb reportedly sat on his own hand before dialing 911 Thursday to make it feel like someone else cared. “If you use your…

BOSTON—In a new study conducted to examine the effects of high-octane vehicles on getting her back once and for all, researchers have concluded that revving the engine of a Corvette convertible outside your ex-girlfriend’s office is the…

MURRIETA, CA—Reiterating his unwavering message about the importance of staying quiet during the cool parts of the movie, local boyfriend Sean Cohen reportedly didn’t want to talk Monday during the scene where they’re blowing up the…

EDMONTON – Local woman Melissa Orlon has reported that she is “over the moon” and “soooo blown away” by the depth of familiarity, passion and expertise her date of last night had for the online betting platform DraftKings. “At first, I…

Despite stereotypes that unpartnered people are lonely or unhappy, being single doesn’t have to be a burden. The Onion shares tips for embracing single life. Take yourself on a date! There’s no reason you can’t have fun being visibly,…

Screwtape knew his business. C.S. Lewis’ fictional devil knew a multitude of ways to ensnare and immiserate people, and poisoning relations between men and women was an essential weapon in his diabolic arsenal. As he put it to his protégé…

Toronto, ON – A millennial Toronto couple who recently moved into a trendy new tiny home is enjoying their first tiny fight about a tiny affair. “My wife discovered a tiny photo on my phone,” explained Josh Geary. “I had left my tiny phone…

Social media have been in the news of late, with several cases at the Supreme Court examining questions of censorship and the role of government in policing or regulating companies and content. But above and beyond the policy-related…