religion belief

THE HEAVENS—Begging the deliverymen to stay while He figured something out, the Lord God Almighty cursed loudly Thursday after He reportedly realized the gates of heaven were not wide enough for His new couch to fit through. “Are you…

THE HEAVENS—Despite the deity swearing He had secured “that piece of shit” properly, millions were confirmed dead Friday after God, Our Heavenly Father, accidentally dropped His air-conditioning unit out of heaven. “Oh fuck, I don’t know…

NEW YORK—Baffled by the woman’s sway over her millions of acolytes, sources confirmed Monday that local cult leader Taylor Swift, 34, was not even charismatic. “Typically, the cult leaders I study are highly persuasive individuals with…

Pope Francis has apologized for using a derogatory term about gay men in a discussion with Italian bishops during which he reaffirmed the Catholic Church’s ban on gay priests, a policy that stands at odds with previous statements that there…

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Touting the legislation as a common-sense victory for family values, Gov. Ron DeSantis (R) signed a new law Thursday requiring all Florida women to produce three healthy, white sons by the date of their 22nd birthday. “The…

Two-bedroom townhouse only 15 minutes from downtown and, Jesus Christ, what was I thinking trying to sell this all by myself? It’s too late to go get a realtor now because I know my wife will be all smug about it, after I insisted I could…

Columbia University canceled its commencement ceremony after weeks of pro-Palestinian protests that have shaken the campus, despite the fact that other universities have held their ceremonies with few disruptions. What do you think?“Ah,…

IQUITOS, PERU—Disappointed by the limitations of the psychotropic medicine, an ayahuasca-tripping God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Tuesday how underwhelmed He was to see Himself. “I don’t know what I was expecting, but I…

According to a tally by the Associated Press, the number of individuals arrested at college protests held in support of Palestinians in Gaza has surpassed 2,000 across 36 schools. What do you think?“That’ll do wonders for the…

THE HEAVENS—Saying He did not expect the species to forgive Him, a tearful God, Our Lord and long-supposed Heavenly Father, admitted to reporters Tuesday that He kidnapped human beings 4,000 years ago to raise them as His own children. “I’m…