religion belief

VATICAN CITY—As youthful vigor rapidly returned to the supreme pontiff, Pope Francis reportedly appeared 40 years younger Friday after finally masturbating for the first time. “Since finally pleasuring myself after all these years, I look…

According to Christian leaders, many evangelicals have begun to reject Jesus’s teachings because they sound too similar to liberal talking points. The Onion asked Christians why the Son of God comes off as “weak” and leftist, and this is…

TOLEDO, OH—Marveling that the Son of God had appeared to her in the most surprising of places, local woman Florence Stahl said she was amazed Monday when she saw what looked to be the face of Jesus Christ on a crucifix. “It’s a miracle, the…

AUSTIN, TX—Addressing the life-threatening heat dome that has settled over Texas, Gov. Greg Abbott (R) announced Thursday that a backup prayer system had been added to the state electricity grid. “To prevent the deadly outages we’ve…

NEW HAVEN, CT—Touting a breakthrough in the field of sabotaging family gatherings, a study released Thursday by Yale University found that LSD was highly effective at ruining a nephew’s baptism. “Of our study’s participants, an overwhelming…

RACINE, WI—Touting the new product as a more compassionate way to end the lives of common household pests, Raid introduced a holy water–infused spray Friday that allows cockroaches to be baptized and die as Christians. “We know how…

An Indian man believed to have headed the “world’s largest family” while leading a Christian sect that allowed polygamy for men in the northeastern state of Mizoram, has died, leaving behind 39 wives and 98 children. What do you think?“I…

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Calling on her Republican colleagues for support, Arkansas state senator Jimmy Hickey Jr. warned Wednesday that a loophole in a new law could still allow transgender youth to exist. “We recognize that this legislation is…