rondesantis

“It’ll be fine. Of course it’ll be fine. Why wouldn’t it be fine? I would let you hold me right now to make me feel safe. I don’t need you to hold me, but you could if you really wanted to. Maybe run your fingers through my hair like mommy…

Start SlideshowWhile many online firebrands rant and rave against the concept, few take the time to define it. The Onion asked conservatives what “woke” means to them, and this is what they said.AdvertisementPrevious SlideNext SlideBen…

Start SlideshowAdvertisementPrevious SlideNext Slide2 / 25The Onion: “Okay, fair warning: Donald Trump is kind of our friend, so watch what you say in this interview because we will tell him.”The Onion: “Okay, fair warning: Donald Trump is…

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TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an ongoing effort to protect children from sexually explicit scenes, Gov. Ron DeSantis banned births in the state of Florida on Tuesday, citing the need to protect impressionable infants from exposure to vaginas. “No…

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PALM BEACH, FL—Boasting that the Florida governor’s human rights violations were “nothing” next to his own, Donald Trump reportedly one-upped Ron DeSantis Friday by claiming he had tortured more prisoners at Guantánamo Bay. “I laughed way…

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Touting the nutrition plan as a way to keep children alert and engaged during the school day, Gov. Ron DeSantis announced Thursday that he would be overseeing a new program offering Florida students free force-fed meals.…

SPOKANE, WA—Letting out a gratified, peaceful sigh as she sipped her morning coffee, local stable, content woman Gina Dore reportedly remained unaware Monday that she only had a few months left before she would be thinking about Ron…

TALLAHASSEE, FL—During a rally in which he decried the cut of his suit as yet another example of political correctness run amok, Florida governor and likely presidential candidate Ron DeSantis railed against his own pants Friday, blaming…