rooms

COLUMBIA, MO—A darkness falling upon the corridor as they sat on the couch enjoying a movie, residents of a local three-bedroom apartment reportedly cowered in terror Friday as a roommate’s hookup lumbered toward the bathroom. According to…

DENVER—Charging a premium for the highly sought-after amenity, an apartment listing posted Monday reportedly counted the toilet as storage space. “Bathroom features extra storage in the tank behind the toilet,” the listing read in part,…

OLYMPIA, WA—Noting that it would be the perfect opportunity to practice shading, color, and light, local courtroom artist Allen Jansen told reporters Wednesday that he hoped his next defendant was a bowl of fruit. “I’ll be honest, the…

EVERYWHERE—As the influence of the nation’s transgender individuals continues to encroach on the freedoms of the U.S. populace, sources confirmed Tuesday that increasingly powerful trans person Tori Randall is now capable of using every…

NEW YORK—Explaining that any absence must be arranged ahead of time by following proper company protocol as listed in the employee handbook, Ada Simmons, HR manager at Hadley Systematics, sent an email Monday reminding staff that a doctor’s…

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Marveling at her strong gait, no-nonsense attitude, and absolute laser focus while striding past, dozens of witnesses reportedly mistook a local woman’s overwhelming need to find a bathroom for confidence on Wednesday.…

HOUSTON—Scolding her class for jumping to their feet prematurely, local teacher Jana Stoebel reportedly stated, “The sound of gunfire doesn’t dismiss you, I do,” on Tuesday, forcing the students to sit back down. “Did I say you could get…

PITTSBURGH—Grasping at the walls for balance as he made his way to a public restroom, local blackout drunk man Charlie Hull was desperately searching Thursday for a toilet to fall asleep on, according to sources familiar with the situation.…

LARAMIE, WY—Explaining that she made sure to educate in a fair, unbiased way, local teacher Miranda Osness confirmed Monday that she didn’t discriminate between Black students and the students she gave A’s to. “The African American students…

MIAMI—Insisting that the patron had done such a good job that he deserved a reward, bathroom attendant Ron Carlton reportedly offered a 39-year-old customer a sticker at the Fitzmorris Steakhouse Friday for using the potty all on his own.…