Science and Technology

THE SOLAR SYSTEM – As Jupiter recently made its closest approach to the planet Earth since 1963, it was shocked and saddened to see how much the only habitable planet in the known universe has gone severely downhill. “Holy shit, what the…

WATERLOO – The 80s revival inspired by the hit Netflix show Stranger Things has reached new heights as scientists announced they have discovered a hole in the ozone layer. “If you thought the worst part of 80s nostalgia was leg warmers and…

RICHMOND, BC – It’s that time of year again – dads across the country have awoken from their long winter’s naps to gripe about how overgrown their lawns have gotten. Local graphic designer Liam Cooper was awoken at 6:30am on Saturday to the…

WASHINGTON, DC – An international conglomerate of horndog scientists have made the news by posting hole on main. “The hole we’ve discovered is dense and tight,” said Event Horizon Telescope spokesman Aiden Greaves. “We would let it suck us…

TALLAHASSEE, FL – Governor Ron DeSantis of Florida is now the highest ranking state politician to voice his endorsement of Bill 467 – the ‘Don’t Say Science’ bill. “I couldn’t be prouder of our legislature for having the bravery to finally…

SEATTLE, WA — University of Washington scientists have deciphered the language Pearl Jam frontman Eddie Vedder has been singing in for the past 32 years. Named “Project Throat Noise”, UW scientists were first led to trying to decipher the…

Cambridge, Massachusetts ― A team of engineers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology unveiled the world’s first artificial stupidity prototype yesterday. They have dubbed their project the Artificial Stupidity System, or ASS for…

TORONTO – With the success of the Netflix show Floor is Lava and the children’s song ‘The Floor is Lava’ by the Kiboomers, the question of whether the floor is lava or not has never been more relevant. To get some clarity on the issue, we…

THE UNIVERSE – The unfathomable stellar expanse that comprises physical reality has politely asked the human race to cease and desist launching its trash off the planet. “It was bad enough when you people kept sending animals, and then just…

OTTAWA – A new study analyzing the cost of cellphone plans and data worldwide has revealed that Canadians pay the highest mobility rates out of 44 countries- wait. Are you reading this on your phone? On wi-fi, right? Because we want you to…