Science and Technology

THE UNIVERSE – The unfathomable stellar expanse that comprises physical reality has politely asked the human race to cease and desist launching its trash off the planet. “It was bad enough when you people kept sending animals, and then just…

OTTAWA – A new study analyzing the cost of cellphone plans and data worldwide has revealed that Canadians pay the highest mobility rates out of 44 countries- wait. Are you reading this on your phone? On wi-fi, right? Because we want you to…

SPACEPORT AMERICA — Billionaire entrepreneurs Richard Branson, Jeff Bezos, and Elon Musk have announced plans to pool their resources to launch a collective $100 billion dollars in unmarked bills into space. “Nobody in the history of the…

A new hybrid car-aircraft prototype, which can transform from plane to road vehicle in under three minutes, has completed a 35-minute flight between two airports in Slovakia. What do you think?“This is perfect for people who want to die in…

CALGARY – A Calgary woman is fairly certain that the Canadian census she just took online was interested in far more than gathering her vital statistics. “It started out normally, you know, verifying my address and all that,” says…

ATLANTA – In an effort to counter the high numbers of vaccine skeptics in the nation, the CDC has recently announced that they will be hiding doses in peanut butter. “We’ve kind of abandoned any hope of convincing these people using…

HALIFAX – Experts are puzzled after scientists proposed a 2 week emergency lockdown, only to have Nova Scotian premier Rankin actually institute it, rather than ignoring them, lying to them, or just making shit up. With 94 new cases…

VICTORIA – After months of deliberation and strenuous debate, an expanse of winter leg hair located on the lower half of Hannah Angelopoulos has now been classified as old growth by the United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural…

APPLETON, WI—Stepping triumphantly forward to take in all things that are his on the glass shelves, local man Merle Shappowitz reportedly threw open the doors of his refrigerator Friday like a feudal lord standing on a balcony overlooking…

OLYMPIA, WA—Revealing his identity as the winning bidder in the record-breaking Christie’s auction, local venture capitalist Ian Engel told reporters Friday that since spending $69.3 million on a collage by the digital artist known as…