Scripture

EARTH — Staring out into the floodwaters, Noah's wife Emzara reported feeling a sinking sensation that she might have left the stove on when she boarded the ark. "Oh, shoot. I got the kids on board and herded every animal I could, but I…

Approximately 900 individual proverbs are recorded in the Bible today, yet according to 1 Kings 4:32, King Solomon wrote at least 3,000. Apparently, he was wise enough to know he needed an editor. So what happened to the rejects?Through…

MOUNT CARMEL — As the prophets of Baal were being executed at the brook of Kishon, a sheepish Baal finally arrived on Mount Carmel, hours after the prophet Elijah had mocked him for having to relieve himself, admitting that he actually was…

JERUSALEM — King Solomon (O king, live forever!) has found himself in the proverbial doghouse after forgetting 9 of his 700 wedding anniversaries.Adara, Deborah, Elisheva, Liora, Naamah, Nehiya, Orly, Rivka, and even Tiffany have not spoken…

Just in time for election day, the Tim Walz Bible translation is ready to hit the shelves! That's right, you can now read through the Bible with every verse revised as though it were filtered through the mind of the governor of Minnesota…

“Never Trump. This time Harris. Always Jesus.” These were the words not of Taylor Swift or Pete Buttigieg but of Ray Ortlund, a card-carrying member of “Big Eva,” in a recent Threads post. In his opinion, following Jesus means rejecting…

JUWAFAT AL-KAFRAYN, JORDAN — Researchers in the Jordan River Valley say they've uncovered the first extra-Biblical evidence of John the Baptist with a completely intact pair of tighty whities."We've known for some time that all the greatest…

EAST OF EDEN — Per angelic sources, Cain attempted to explain away the whereabouts of his brother, Abel, by informing the Lord that he grew up in a middle-class family."Well, I'll start with this — I grew up a middle-class kid," Cain began.…

Nav Press, Inc., publisher of The Message, announced The Kamala Harris Version of the Holy Bible. It features text lovingly translated by linguists from Indian to Jamaican, back to Indian, then into English, and then into Kamala's version…

ISRAEL — King Solomon was deeply disappointed this evening as his wife's enticing offer to come taste her fruits turned out to be a simple offer for a few apples from the garden."Man, I was so sure that was a euphemism for something else,"…