Scripture

ISRAEL — Rookie heavenly angel Raphael unleashed total panic after forgetting to shout "fear not" upon showing himself to a group of Israelites."What a noob!!" cackled the angel Gabriel, as he doubled over with laughter. "Those poor people…

BEER-LAHAI-ROI — Biblical scholars have come to a unanimous conclusion that the food for which Esau sold his birthright was actually a marshmallow & Jell-O salad.Ancient writings confirm Jacob prepared the delectable dish knowing how…

JERUSALEM — A local rabbi named Jesus has been accused of being a dangerous Christian Nationalist after saying that soon he will establish his kingdom over the whole earth. "This Jesus guy is clearly an enemy of our Liberal World Order,"…

JERUSALEM — Scholars and archeologists have uncovered evidence in a dig outside the Temple Mount that indicates Israelite King Solomon spent up to 3 hours per day opening pickle jars for his 700 wives and 300 concubines."In our search…

EDMOND, OK — YouVersion, parent company of the most popular Bible app on the App Store, has announced a groundbreaking change to mankind's Bible-reading experience. Effective this week, genealogies in the Old and New Testaments are now…

EGYPT — Moses delivered the Lord's command to Israel that every family must gather a double portion of Chick-fil-A on Saturday, knowing that none may be gathered on the Sabbath."And the Lord has said to me, 'I have heard the grumbling of…

AMMAN, JORDAN — New evidence uncovered by researchers at the University of Jordan sheds new light on the scriptural tale of Jacob wrestling the Angel of the Lord. Scholars now believe the epic wrestling match ended after Jacob performed a…

ROME — After reviewing new historical evidence, scholars now believe the Apostle Paul used the handy map in the back of his Bible when deciding where to travel to next."It looks like Paul simply followed the little lines and arrows," said…

BETHANY — Scholars working in the Holy Land learned an interesting tidbit today: the woman who anointed Jesus with oil - Mary of Bethany, a Bethany-dwelling woman whose name was Mary - actually performed the act of worship during an…

HOUSTON, TX — Houston pastor Joel Osteen has released an exciting new study Bible where he has carefully gone through and redacted every single word of the text: The Redacted Study Bible.Osteen is calling the new edition of the Bible "the…