Scripture

MOUNT OF BEATITUDES—Local Rabbi and Son of God Jesus of Nazareth gave a fiery sermon where He singled out legalistic religious people and called people to a higher understanding of God's law and holiness. The multitudes gathered praised the…

Scholars Confirm Jesus Always Fist-Bumped Apostles After Absolutely Roasting Pharisees ISRAEL—Scholars working in Israel confirmed Monday that after owning the Pharisees with facts and logic, Jesus always fist-bumped his apostles. "Jesus…

Bible App Opens To Same Place It Was Open To When You Went To Church Three Weeks Ago According to sources close to you, the Bible app you finally decided to open today opened up to the same place in the Bible it was open to when you went to…

Sad: This Couple Was Evicted By Their Landlord And Now He Will Have To Toil All His Days And She Shall Experience The Pain Of Childbirth EDEN—After spending the day pulling weeds under the unforgiving rays of the sun, this man felt nothing…

Scholars Confirm For Jesus's Second Miracle He Turned White Claws Back Into Water ISRAEL—Scholars working in the Holy Land confirmed today that as His second miracle, Jesus actually turned White Claws back into water. After turning water…

Brought to you by: Noah was a pretty cool dude, saving humanity because he trusted in God and all that. But he did make a few errors in that there are some animals he definitely should have yeeted overboard. Here are the top ten animals…

ISRAEL—Newly unearthed manuscripts that appear to be written by the disciple Matthew describe one of Jesus’s lesser-known miracles. Matthew’s journal describes the disciples seeing Jesus walking effortlessly across the tower of crates. When…

New Study Bible For Women Has 30,000 Notes That All Say 'Go Ask Your Husband To Explain This To You' U.S.—Zondervan, purveyor of many fine study Bibles, has released an exciting new study Bible just for women. This special edition of the…

Walls Of IRS Building Come Tumbling Down After Ron Paul Marches Around 7 Times Blowing Trumpets Brought to you by WASHINGTON, D.C.—A miracle occurred today at the offices of the Internal Revenue Service as former Representative Ron Paul…

JERUSALEM—Known conservative and far-right zealot the Apostle Paul has banned teaching critical race theory in churches in a scathing letter to the Galatians, sources have confirmed. In a brutal rebuke, Paul dismantled the idea that we…