Scripture

HOUSTON, TX—After enduring years of criticism for allegedly mishandling the Bible and leading people to hell with a false gospel of prosperity and "living your best life now," Joel Osteen has fired back at his critics. According to Osteen,…

BILLUND, DENMARK—Hot on the heels of the company's new "Everyone is Awesome" playset and genderless blocks without male or female connectors, the LEGO group revealed its commemorative Pride Month playset: a new Sodom and Gomorrah set. The…

Scholars Now Believe Father Abraham Spent Most Of His Time Putting Out Oil Lamps His Kids Left On ISRAEL—Biblical scholars have uncovered an ancient parchment that appears to contain a portion of Father Abraham’s daily diary. The journal…

New Young Earth Creationist Nuggets Feature Dinos And Humans Living Together Peacefully PETERSBURG, KY—Ken Ham of Answers in Genesis announced today a new line of frozen meals: chicken dinos with humans living alongside them for the sake of…

WORLD—The men of the world are demanding reparations from the women of the world after realizing all their problems stem from Eve taking a bite of the fruit from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil over 5,999 years ago. "Eve, the…

Biden Proposes $2 Trillion Infrastructure Project To Build A Tower That Reaches To The Heavens WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Joe Biden is determined to pass a large infrastructure bill, though no one had been certain what infrastructure is so…

U.S.—The Biden Administration is hard at work putting together a vaccine passport program that will help society more effectively separate the good vaccinated people from the bad, gross, scary unvaccinated ones. To make things super…

U.S.—A new Snyder Cut of the Holy Bible will contain over 47 deleted scenes, sources confirmed Friday. Edited and re-cut by Hollywood director Zack Snyder himself, the book will give a fresh new look. "You asked for it, and now it's here:…

We want to believe the Bible is perfect, but there are a few plot holes in there that have always bugged us. Here are the nine most glaring plot holes: Adam and Eve never exchange pronouns. Adam and Eve seem to get along fine, but the…

ORLANDO, FL—Sources at CPAC are confirming that former president Donald Trump just rode into the conference triumphantly on the back of a donkey, claiming kingship over the conservative movement for all eternity. Trump waited outside the…