Scripture

Scholars Now Believe Jesus Ignored Magi's Gifts, Just Played With The Boxes They Came In U.S.—Biblical scholars from the nation's top divinity schools now believe Jesus ignored the gold, frankincense, and myrrh brought by the Magi and…

Evidence Suggests Mary Used Magi's Gold To Get Little Drummer Boy To Stop Playing BETHLEHEM, ISRAEL—A recent discovery at an archeological site in Bethlehem is adding a new wrinkle to the Christmas story. Researchers have found part of a…

NEW YORK, NY—At a special ceremony Thursday, Planned Parenthood posthumously awarded Herod the Great with its highest honor, the organization's coveted PPFA Margaret Sanger Award. Planned Parenthood gives the award out to…

BETHLEHEM—Three wise men visited the baby Jesus, presenting gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh to his mother Mary. Afterward, the wise man who brought myrrh confronted the other two wise men since it had been his understanding there was…

CLAREMONT, CA—A nativity scene has been gaining much publicity in the media for its depiction of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph getting detained in cages at the border. But media coverage quickly ended when it was revealed that the Holy Family was…

Historians Now Believe King Solomon Gave Each Of His Wives, Concubines A Peloton Exercise Bike U.S.—Scholars are claiming that King Solomon kept his concubines in shape by presenting each one of them with her own Peloton exercise…

Wise Men Actually Just Sent Gifts Using Free Prime Shipping, Scholars Now Believe U.S.—Bible scholars now claim the wise men didn't deliver their gifts in person a few years late, as is commonly believed, but instead delivered presents…

ISRAEL—Researchers have stumbled across what promises to be a revolutionary discovery in the world of biblical archaeology: the capo King David used when playing his harp. Historians now believe King David played all songs in the key of G…

Pro-Choicer Finds Baby Floating Down River, Shoves Him Toward Waterfall To Speed Things Along EGYPT—Sources have confirmed that a woman found a baby floating down the Nile River in a basket earlier this week. Some speculate the baby was…

PORTLAND, OR—A group of progressive scholars gathered at the annual Comrade Bible Conference to debate theology, whether or not God exists, and if we're all living in a Matrix-style simulation running on a computer in some alien's basement.…