Scripture

U.S.—A new Snyder Cut of the Holy Bible will contain over 47 deleted scenes, sources confirmed Friday. Edited and re-cut by Hollywood director Zack Snyder himself, the book will give a fresh new look. "You asked for it, and now it's here:…

We want to believe the Bible is perfect, but there are a few plot holes in there that have always bugged us. Here are the nine most glaring plot holes: Adam and Eve never exchange pronouns. Adam and Eve seem to get along fine, but the…

ORLANDO, FL—Sources at CPAC are confirming that former president Donald Trump just rode into the conference triumphantly on the back of a donkey, claiming kingship over the conservative movement for all eternity. Trump waited outside the…

If a “nicest guy in the world” award was given to famous American pastors, few would disagree New York Times best-selling author Max Lucado should find himself toward the front of that line. He’s the consummate cuddly bear whose central…

PORTLAND, OR—Local death metal band Thrashin Demon was running out of steam while writing a new 14-minute epic, "Into the Valley of the Blood of Eagles We Slay Tonight." Finally, with no ideas left, they turned to their last resort: the…

ANCIENT MESOPOTAMIA—Noah has been criticized heavily by journalists for a lack of social distancing on the ark that he built in order to save humanity. Reporters say that while saving humanity is probably OK, Noah's lack of social…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris have been rushed to a nearby burn treatment center after swearing in on the Bible this morning. Their hands immediately burst into flames after touching the holy Word of…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi called the Pentagon frantically looking for the nuclear codes last week, since President Trump is obviously the unhinged one, the president looked for a more secure location to store…

Twitter Fact-Checks God's Claim That Adam And Eve Will Surely Die If They Eat The Forbidden Fruit GARDEN OF EDEN—Twitter has slapped a warning label on God's claim that Adam and Eve will surely die if they eat of the tree of the knowledge…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a stunning miracle, congresspeople just emerged from negotiations over 2.3 trillion loaves and fishes, somehow turning the trillions of morsels of food into enough meals for just five people.An exhausted Nancy Pelosi…