Scripture

Three California Firefighters Go Into Blaze But Fourth Figure Miraculously Appears Alongside Them: Keanu Reeves CALIFORNIA—Three firefighters battling a California blaze bravely charged in without regard for their own safety Wednesday, as…

Bible Scholars Now Believe Writing On The Wall Actually Said 'Epstein Didn't Kill Himself' DALLAS, TX—Biblical scholars often disagree, but they've all come to the same conclusion after studying the book of Daniel during an ecumenical…

IRAQ—Archaeologists working near the ancient Fertile Crescent made a stunning discovery Friday morning: the AR-15 Cain used to kill Abel as recorded in the Bible. Scholars have long suspected Cain could not have committed history's first…

EPHRAIM—The Prophetess Deborah is facing a swell of criticism from her fellow Israelites, several of whom have called her “shrill” and “unlikeable.” The critics, who voiced concerns at a recent gathering under the palms of Bethel, say…

WORLD—A new proposal derived from the biblical, Jewish concept of Jubilee will forgive everyone for their tweets every 50 years. "Every 50th year, everyone's old tweets will be forgiven them when the trumpet sounds," read the proclamation,…

Bible Scholars: Eutychus Actually Leaped Out Window To Escape Church Greeting Time ISRAEL—Eutychus was a young man who supposedly fell asleep and tumbled out a window while Paul was preaching, according to the New Testament. Not so fast,…

U.S.—Utilizing contextual clues from the verses referencing the "Book of Life" in the Scriptures, Bible scholars have come to an agreement that this extensive list of the redeemed is actually printed on the back of a CVS receipt. "We…

New Evidence Suggests Esau Actually Sold Birthright For Spicy Chicken Sandwich From Chick-Fil-A U.S.—Scholars working at top divinity schools across the country now believe that Esau traded his birthright for a spicy chicken sandwich from…

CUPERTINO, CA—Apple has unveiled its next-generation series of iPhones, iPads, and Apple Watches. The most exciting product announcement at the event was the new Series 5 Watch, which will be implanted in the user's hand and forehead and…

NEW YORK, NY—Local white girl Chloe Winters was tragically turned into a pillar of pumpkin spice after she looked back longingly at a local Starbucks. Her boyfriend, Zander Byers, said they should keep moving as the line was long and the…