Scripture

CUPERTINO, CA—Apple has unveiled its next-generation series of iPhones, iPads, and Apple Watches. The most exciting product announcement at the event was the new Series 5 Watch, which will be implanted in the user's hand and forehead and…

NEW YORK, NY—Local white girl Chloe Winters was tragically turned into a pillar of pumpkin spice after she looked back longingly at a local Starbucks. Her boyfriend, Zander Byers, said they should keep moving as the line was long and the…

Horrified Trump Learns What Happened To Last Guy Who Called Himself King Of The Jews WASHINGTON, D.C.—After President Trump touted himself as the "King of Israel" and the "second coming of God," he was feeling pretty good about himself, now…

ISRAEL—There was a certain man who had two sons, and the younger son demanded his inheritance and then wasted it all in a distant country. When the son came crawling back, begging for forgiveness, the father made a huge celebration to mark…

Scholars: Promised Land Was Actually Flowing With Mac And Cheese From Chick-Fil-A DEAD SEA—Scholars working in Israel have made discoveries that lead them to believe that the Promised Land was actually flowing with Chick-fil-A's macaroni…

U.S.—Popular fact-checking website Snopes.com has announced its first official hard copy Bible: the Snopes Fact Check Study Bible. The study Bible is designed to undermine your faith at every turn by performing shoddily researched fact…

Photograph Emerges Of Al Sharpton Arriving At Scene Where Cain Killed Abel In Order To Cry Racism JERUSALEM—Preserved by scholars in Israel for centuries, an ancient photograph of Cain killing Abel was released for the public for the first…

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—In an effort to combat bigotry and take a more politically correct approach to scripture, Zondervan Publishing announced the release of the Pride Version of the Bible. In a press release, the Christian publishing…

Mike Pence Thrown Into Lions' Den After Being Caught Praying To God Other Than Trump WASHINGTON, D.C.—The second-ranking official in the United States government was literally thrown to the lions today. Vice President Mike Pence was caught…

ISRAEL—A newly discovered original manuscript of the New Testament, dated to the First Century, was written entirely in the popular Papyrus font, sources confirmed Wednesday. The manuscript was written entirely in English, in the King James…