Scripture

PORTLAND, OR—A group of progressive scholars gathered at the annual Comrade Bible Conference to debate theology, whether or not God exists, and if we're all living in a Matrix-style simulation running on a computer in some alien's basement.…

Scholars Now Believe Saul Threw Spear At David For Playing Christmas Music Well Before Thanksgiving WORLD—Scholars all over the world now believe that King Saul actually threw a spear at David after the young musician insisted on playing…

Whistleblower Alerts Adam And Eve That God Withholding Knowledge Of Good And Evil From Them GARDEN OF EDEN—A reputable whistleblower in the form of a snake has reportedly tipped Adam and Eve off to a rumor that God was withholding the…

Three California Firefighters Go Into Blaze But Fourth Figure Miraculously Appears Alongside Them: Keanu Reeves CALIFORNIA—Three firefighters battling a California blaze bravely charged in without regard for their own safety Wednesday, as…

Bible Scholars Now Believe Writing On The Wall Actually Said 'Epstein Didn't Kill Himself' DALLAS, TX—Biblical scholars often disagree, but they've all come to the same conclusion after studying the book of Daniel during an ecumenical…

IRAQ—Archaeologists working near the ancient Fertile Crescent made a stunning discovery Friday morning: the AR-15 Cain used to kill Abel as recorded in the Bible. Scholars have long suspected Cain could not have committed history's first…

EPHRAIM—The Prophetess Deborah is facing a swell of criticism from her fellow Israelites, several of whom have called her “shrill” and “unlikeable.” The critics, who voiced concerns at a recent gathering under the palms of Bethel, say…

WORLD—A new proposal derived from the biblical, Jewish concept of Jubilee will forgive everyone for their tweets every 50 years. "Every 50th year, everyone's old tweets will be forgiven them when the trumpet sounds," read the proclamation,…

Bible Scholars: Eutychus Actually Leaped Out Window To Escape Church Greeting Time ISRAEL—Eutychus was a young man who supposedly fell asleep and tumbled out a window while Paul was preaching, according to the New Testament. Not so fast,…

U.S.—Utilizing contextual clues from the verses referencing the "Book of Life" in the Scriptures, Bible scholars have come to an agreement that this extensive list of the redeemed is actually printed on the back of a CVS receipt. "We…