Scripture

EAST OF EDEN — Per angelic sources, Cain attempted to explain away the whereabouts of his brother, Abel, by informing the Lord that he grew up in a middle-class family."Well, I'll start with this — I grew up a middle-class kid," Cain began.…

Nav Press, Inc., publisher of The Message, announced The Kamala Harris Version of the Holy Bible. It features text lovingly translated by linguists from Indian to Jamaican, back to Indian, then into English, and then into Kamala's version…

ISRAEL — King Solomon was deeply disappointed this evening as his wife's enticing offer to come taste her fruits turned out to be a simple offer for a few apples from the garden."Man, I was so sure that was a euphemism for something else,"…

WILDERNESS OF SIN — A construction project that had initially attracted the interest of wandering Israelites left everyone disappointed after it was revealed to be the location of a brand new Jack in the Box. Now, the local Hebrews are…

SHORES OF GALILEE — After disciples asked the Teacher why He always portrayed them as sheep in parables, Jesus helpfully explained that it's because sheep are very, very stupid."Welp," said Peter, staring at the ground awkwardly. "We did…

MOUNTAINS OF ARARAT — In the tenth month after the great flood, Noah and his family shouted for joy at the sight of a Buc-ee's gas station sign emerging from the water.To be certain, Noah released a dove and became overjoyed upon its…

JUDEA — A local fatted calf was struck with a sudden overwhelming feeling of dread today after seeing his owner's lost younger son unexpectedly return from living abroad.According to other villagers, the son had left the father's household…

VALLEY OF ELAH — Archaeological findings from the Judean Foothills have just shed new light on the story of David and Goliath, revealing that Goliath claimed to have lost merely because he happened to be fighting David on a slightly sloping…

Every author has felt the sting of rejection at some point or another — but imagine the pain of having the Holy Spirit deny your manuscript!Due to recent archaeological advances, we at the Babylon Bee have recently discovered an entirely…

FORD OF THE JABBOK — Newly unearthed scrolls have revealed the ringside commentary from the wrestling match between Jacob and the Angel of the Lord, as well as the incredible, prime-time rematch Jacob v. Angel II that followed.The…