Scripture

Tinder Creators Developing Bible App To Enable Swiping Left On Undesirable Verses WEST HOLLYWOOD, CA — Known for its flagship app Tinder, online dating powerhouse Match Group is now developing a new Bible app that allows readers to swipe…

Pelosi Reveals Favorite Bible Verse: 'War Is Peace. Freedom Is Slavery. Ignorance Is Strength.' WASHINGTON, D.C.—Speaking to her constituents in her weekly address, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi revealed her favorite Bible verse: "War…

God Agrees To Spare Virginia If Just 10 Democrats Who Never Wore Blackface Can Be Found VIRGINIA—In a statement issued from on high, the Almighty has agreed to spare the state of Virginia from His imminent wrath if state officials can…

King Solomon Named Champion Of Women’s Rights For His 'Cut The Baby In Half' Proposal U.S.—When King Solomon was presented with a dispute between two women over a baby, Solomon announced he would cut the baby in half. Applause erupted from…

Trump Miraculously Feeds Multitudes With Just 5 Quarter Pounders, 2 Filet-O-Fish Sandwiches WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to stunned witnesses at the White House yesterday, President Trump somehow managed to feed an entire multitude with just…

DALLAS, TX—Upon reading through the biblical description of the New Jerusalem Monday morning, Pastor Robert Jeffress was reportedly disappointed to discover that there was nothing indicating the heavenly city's wall would include security…

WORLD—The Old Testament lists many acts the Lord considers to be an abomination, and a new revelation from on high indicates that one more thing is being added to the biblical list of forbidden activities: talking while watching a movie.…

NEW YORK, NY—Columbia University archeologists have uncovered evidence that Noah may have had regrets about allowing geese onto the ark. On an expedition to Turkey to examine underwater remains of what researchers believe is the ark that…

Christian Uses KonMari Method While Studying Bible To Remove All Verses That Don't Spark Joy COUNTRY HOMES, WA—After binge-watching hit Netflix series Tidying Up with Marie Kondo, local Christian woman Grace Milliken applied the innovative…

MASTERTON, NZ—After successfully directing the smash-hit, multi-film epic retellings of J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit, Peter Jackson says he has settled on his next project: a 12-hour cinematic trilogy retelling the…