Scripture

King Solomon Named Champion Of Women’s Rights For His 'Cut The Baby In Half' Proposal U.S.—When King Solomon was presented with a dispute between two women over a baby, Solomon announced he would cut the baby in half. Applause erupted from…

Trump Miraculously Feeds Multitudes With Just 5 Quarter Pounders, 2 Filet-O-Fish Sandwiches WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to stunned witnesses at the White House yesterday, President Trump somehow managed to feed an entire multitude with just…

DALLAS, TX—Upon reading through the biblical description of the New Jerusalem Monday morning, Pastor Robert Jeffress was reportedly disappointed to discover that there was nothing indicating the heavenly city's wall would include security…

WORLD—The Old Testament lists many acts the Lord considers to be an abomination, and a new revelation from on high indicates that one more thing is being added to the biblical list of forbidden activities: talking while watching a movie.…

NEW YORK, NY—Columbia University archeologists have uncovered evidence that Noah may have had regrets about allowing geese onto the ark. On an expedition to Turkey to examine underwater remains of what researchers believe is the ark that…

Christian Uses KonMari Method While Studying Bible To Remove All Verses That Don't Spark Joy COUNTRY HOMES, WA—After binge-watching hit Netflix series Tidying Up with Marie Kondo, local Christian woman Grace Milliken applied the innovative…

MASTERTON, NZ—After successfully directing the smash-hit, multi-film epic retellings of J.R.R. Tolkien's Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit, Peter Jackson says he has settled on his next project: a 12-hour cinematic trilogy retelling the…

AUSTIN, TX—In an attempt to be more realistic and honest with himself with his Bible reading goals this year, local man Mike Pattson resolved to read Genesis and Exodus this year and then "peter out around Leviticus chapter 2." The believer…

U.S.—In a research paper presented Friday, several biblical scholars suggested that all the Hebrew psalms were actually set to the same four basic chords. "Every biblical psalm appears to have been set to the chord progression G-D-Em-C,…

AFTERLIFE—Former residents of Sodom and Gomorrah, speaking to reporters in the afterlife, recently questioned why the United States hasn't been wiped off the map by Almighty God yet. Those who once resided in the notoriously sinful cities…