Scripture

FBI Investigation Implicates Entire World: 'There Is None Righteous, No, Not One' WASHINGTON, D.C.—As the results of the FBI investigation were revealed to United States senators Thursday, they grimly began to announce to their constituents…

U.S.—According to Bible scholars, the Book of Life mentioned in Revelation is now thought to simply contain a comprehensive cross-denominational statement on social justice put forth by leading evangelicals. It’s not clear which statement…

U.S.—A new report by the Bible Scholars of America found that Adam and Eve were actually punished for eating the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden because the fruit was genetically modified. The new evidence suggests the rule against…

NASHVILLE, TN—Relevant Neo-logians of America (RNA) released their newest version of the Bible this week, and one addition in particular is causing major waves. “With the rise of female entrepreneurship in the 21st century, we felt the…

BROOKLYN, NY—On Monday, New York University acting student Liam Roberts became engaged in a political argument with his conservative Christian roommate, Jake Martinez. During the heated exchange, which was reportedly about Medicare,…

NORFOLK, VA—PETA issued a statement Wednesday blasting King Darius the Mede for not feeding his “malnourished” lions more delicious Hebrews who refused to pray to him and instead stayed faithful to their God. PETA reps applauded Darius…

HAWTHORNE, CA—Welp, this could be a bad sign: donning a ratty cloak and sporting a wildly overgrown beard, tech entrepreneur Elon Musk just took a position outside his latest SpaceX starship and began summoning two of every kind of…

U.S.—A new Noah’s Ark playset released by Answers in Genesis ministries features heathen action figures you can actually drown in any nearby body of water. The figures are equipped with moisture-detection technology and will begin…

NASHVILLE, TN—Thomas Nelson Publishers will debut a new Bible highlighter set designed especially for progressive believers, consisting only of pens in 5 different shades of whiteout, sources confirmed. According to company spokesperson…

U.S.—Academia’s foremost experts on the Hebrew book of Psalms are now claiming the phrase often translated as “Lift up your hands” is actually better rendered “Just stand there with your hands in your pockets.” Scholarship now suggests…