Scripture

NASHVILLE, TN—Relevant Neo-logians of America (RNA) released their newest version of the Bible this week, and one addition in particular is causing major waves. “With the rise of female entrepreneurship in the 21st century, we felt the…

BROOKLYN, NY—On Monday, New York University acting student Liam Roberts became engaged in a political argument with his conservative Christian roommate, Jake Martinez. During the heated exchange, which was reportedly about Medicare,…

NORFOLK, VA—PETA issued a statement Wednesday blasting King Darius the Mede for not feeding his “malnourished” lions more delicious Hebrews who refused to pray to him and instead stayed faithful to their God. PETA reps applauded Darius…

HAWTHORNE, CA—Welp, this could be a bad sign: donning a ratty cloak and sporting a wildly overgrown beard, tech entrepreneur Elon Musk just took a position outside his latest SpaceX starship and began summoning two of every kind of…

U.S.—A new Noah’s Ark playset released by Answers in Genesis ministries features heathen action figures you can actually drown in any nearby body of water. The figures are equipped with moisture-detection technology and will begin…

NASHVILLE, TN—Thomas Nelson Publishers will debut a new Bible highlighter set designed especially for progressive believers, consisting only of pens in 5 different shades of whiteout, sources confirmed. According to company spokesperson…

U.S.—Academia’s foremost experts on the Hebrew book of Psalms are now claiming the phrase often translated as “Lift up your hands” is actually better rendered “Just stand there with your hands in your pockets.” Scholarship now suggests…

BOISE, ID—A new report has indicated that local devout Christian man Brian Metford took a few minutes out of his busy morning schedule to think about reading his Bible this morning. The man was proud to report he’d “strongly considered”…

CINCINNATI, OH—A report from local 6-year-old Oliver Landon suggested Monday that the children’s Bible he received from his parents “skips all the good stuff.” The boy excitedly tore into the new picture Bible he got for his birthday, but…

PORTLAND, OR—A coalition of progressive Bible scholars convened in Portland this week and agreed to add a new fruit of the Spirit to the biblical list in Galatians 5: “wokeness.” According to the resolution, being “woke” is an essential…