Scripture

BOISE, ID—A new report has indicated that local devout Christian man Brian Metford took a few minutes out of his busy morning schedule to think about reading his Bible this morning. The man was proud to report he’d “strongly considered”…

CINCINNATI, OH—A report from local 6-year-old Oliver Landon suggested Monday that the children’s Bible he received from his parents “skips all the good stuff.” The boy excitedly tore into the new picture Bible he got for his birthday, but…

PORTLAND, OR—A coalition of progressive Bible scholars convened in Portland this week and agreed to add a new fruit of the Spirit to the biblical list in Galatians 5: “wokeness.” According to the resolution, being “woke” is an essential…

ST. LOUIS, MO—Representatives for Purina confirmed Friday the dog food manufacturer has just recently introduced a new Proverbs 26:11 vomit-flavored variety of its Dog Chow line. Based on the eponymous wisdom proverb that states, “As a dog…

AFTERLIFE—Representatives for Judas Iscariot have revealed that the maligned betrayer of Jesus actually misspoke when he interacted with the religious leaders who wanted to arrest the Messiah. According to Judas’s spokespeople, it was a…

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—The Hebrew word “checed,” traditionally translated “lovingkindness” or “steadfast love,” will more accurately be translated as “reckless love” in a new edition of The Message to be released in December, the publisher…

Brought to you by  TEXARKANA, TX—According to sources close to local man Matthew Franco, the 39-year-old believer knows every single line from the classic film The Princess Bride by heart, yet struggles to quote a full Bible verse…

BURBANK, CA—Disney is buying the intellectual property rights to the Bible for $7.02 billion from its Author. In a statement announcing the purchase, Disney said it planned to release a major Bible sequel in 2020 The Christ Awakens,…

WORLD—In a major paradigm shift for New Testament scholarship, Bible researchers announced Tuesday that they’re now certain Jesus and His disciples “carefully vetted” all the children that came to Him for teaching and prayer. The process…

LOS ANGELES, CA—The Los Angeles Lakers delighted users of the Authorized Version of the Scriptures all around the world Sunday, when the sports team announced it would be joining the King James Only movement in a four-year, $154 million…