Scripture

BRUNSWICK, ME—Preaching the Word of God is incredibly rewarding, but it can also be a health hazard. While attempting to “unpack” Colossians 3:16-17 Sunday morning, pastor Tim Lauderdale pulled a back muscle, causing severe pain and…

MOORE, OK—In a new security measure designed to increase congregational safety, Ye Olde Baptist Church AV 1611 has begun requiring congregants to utilize clear Bible covers while attending services in order to verify no one is concealing a…

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—According to a press release sent out today by publisher NavPress, The Message translation of the Scriptures is now available in an attractive edition typeset entirely in Comic Sans. The complete text of the paraphrase…

JERUSALEM, ISRAEL—A team of Baptist archaeologists just announced they have discovered a bottle of Welch’s grape juice near the site of the Last Supper, where Jesus and His disciples famously celebrated Passover in the Upper Room. The…

HOUSTON, TX—Multiple witnesses claim they’ve spotted Joel Osteen’s personal Bible, shivering, hungry, and homeless, under a local freeway overpass begging for food and money. Several claim the Bible was holding up a cardboard sign claiming…

The Bible is really long. Luckily for you, we at The Babylon Bee have studied our official company Scofield Reference Bible for the past 80 years in order to distill each of the 66 books down to a bite-sized snippet even you can…

RIO LINDA, CA—Local believer in Christ, Edward Myers, revealed Thursday that he has significantly more quotes from quirky 2004 comedy Napoleon Dynamite memorized than Bible verses, despite the fact that the 38-year-old has identified as a…

LOS ANGELES, CA—Upon receiving the necessary forms from his employer and beginning to file to pay his federal taxes, local man Kyle Jacobs scrawled an imprecatory psalm across the Internal Revenue Service’s form 1040, sources close to the…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move to modify and improve the message of the gospels to conform to a modern conservative agenda, the Republican Party published a revised version of the Beatitudes on its website Friday morning. While the Sermon on…

HOLLY SPRINGS, MS—In a somber announcement, Pastor Philip Wallace confirmed to his congregation at Hartford Ave Fundamentalist Baptist Church, AV1611 Wednesday evening that he has tested positive for NIV. The man has pastored the…