Scripture

HOUSTON, TX—After numerous credible reports surfaced of megachurch prosperity preacher Joel Osteen “absolutely mangling” various Bible verses, a council of associate pastors at Lakewood Church voted unanimously to force the preacher to…

U.S.—The entire Old and New Testaments as rendered in the King James Version of the Bible have at long last been translated into biblical Greek and Hebrew, sources confirmed Friday. After years of working on the historic translation,…

U.S.—A team of experts in biblical Greek released a report Tuesday confirming that the word often translated “repent” in most English versions of the New Testament is perhaps better rendered “you do you.” Dr. Philip Manse of Fuller…

BRUNSWICK, ME—Preaching the Word of God is incredibly rewarding, but it can also be a health hazard. While attempting to “unpack” Colossians 3:16-17 Sunday morning, pastor Tim Lauderdale pulled a back muscle, causing severe pain and…

MOORE, OK—In a new security measure designed to increase congregational safety, Ye Olde Baptist Church AV 1611 has begun requiring congregants to utilize clear Bible covers while attending services in order to verify no one is concealing a…

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO—According to a press release sent out today by publisher NavPress, The Message translation of the Scriptures is now available in an attractive edition typeset entirely in Comic Sans. The complete text of the paraphrase…

JERUSALEM, ISRAEL—A team of Baptist archaeologists just announced they have discovered a bottle of Welch’s grape juice near the site of the Last Supper, where Jesus and His disciples famously celebrated Passover in the Upper Room. The…

HOUSTON, TX—Multiple witnesses claim they’ve spotted Joel Osteen’s personal Bible, shivering, hungry, and homeless, under a local freeway overpass begging for food and money. Several claim the Bible was holding up a cardboard sign claiming…

The Bible is really long. Luckily for you, we at The Babylon Bee have studied our official company Scofield Reference Bible for the past 80 years in order to distill each of the 66 books down to a bite-sized snippet even you can…

RIO LINDA, CA—Local believer in Christ, Edward Myers, revealed Thursday that he has significantly more quotes from quirky 2004 comedy Napoleon Dynamite memorized than Bible verses, despite the fact that the 38-year-old has identified as a…