Scripture

U.S. — Bible scholars now believe the verse in Genesis about people being naked and without shame was a prophecy about Walmart customers."The ancient prophecy has come to pass," said theologian Bart Harmon as he surveyed his local Walmart.…

Lots of people are catechizing your child. Are you one of them? The tragic death of six believers, including three children and three brave adults, at the hands of an evil mass shooter at a Christian elementary school in Nashville this…

ISRAEL — Newly uncovered evidence shows that the walls of Jericho crumbled to the ground right after Joshua finished playing an absolutely boss saxophone solo."We now believe that shortly after the trumpets blasted, Joshua broke out the…

JERUSALEM — Scholars of the Hebrew Bible at Israel's Bar Ilan University have discovered new fine print in the Noahic Covenant. The divine vow to never again flood the earth is rendered "null and void," experts explain, if humanity ever…

LOS ANGELES, CA — California residents reported growing concern over the fate of their state after a wide variety of animals were seen going in pairs toward a large wooden boat.An eccentric old bearded Jewish man has reportedly been…

HARRAN — Archeologists working in the Middle East say they've uncovered the world's oldest cassette tape, which they believe was used as a mix tape by the biblical Jacob in his lengthy courtship with Rachel, as detailed in the first book of…

ISRAEL — Scholars now believe that the disciples who handed out food so ably to the five-thousand may have in fact been Chick-fil-A employees."These guys handled a lunch rush of five thousand people with just a twelve-man crew? Who else…

EGYPT — Scholars have uncovered new evidence showing that Pharaoh's infamous hanging of his chief baker was a result of discovering walnuts in his brownies."I'm sorry, but this is disgusting and I'm going to have to kill you," Pharaoh is…

U.S. — Theologians from seminaries across the country have united in agreement that holy Scripture is 72% more powerful if read in an awesome foreign accent."The sacredness of the Biblical text receives an instant boost when you switch the…

GARDEN OF EDEN — Having gotten into a game of hide-and-seek with the omniscient God of the universe, Adam and Eve reported feeling confident that the Lord would never find them in their perfect hiding spot behind a tree."Totally…