Scripture

THE ARK — After two weeks sailing upon the flood waters in the ark, Noah began to think that bringing the woodpeckers along may have been a bad idea."Another hole?? Dang woodpeckers," growled Noah, patching a puncture in the ark's hull.…

ISRAEL — Scholars now believe that David's filthy headshot on Goliath was aided by years of practice playing Call Of Duty."According to Scripture, Goliath had been camping in one spot for forty days like a total noob," said Old Testament…

PEPPATOWN - Peppa Pig's family vacation took an unexpected turn for the worse after Jesus of Nazareth healed a nearby demoniac."Mommy Pig, why is Auntie Pig screaming and running into the sea?" asked Peppa Pig. "Oh wow, George Pig! How did…

U.S. — Bible scholars now believe the verse in Genesis about people being naked and without shame was a prophecy about Walmart customers."The ancient prophecy has come to pass," said theologian Bart Harmon as he surveyed his local Walmart.…

Lots of people are catechizing your child. Are you one of them? The tragic death of six believers, including three children and three brave adults, at the hands of an evil mass shooter at a Christian elementary school in Nashville this…

ISRAEL — Newly uncovered evidence shows that the walls of Jericho crumbled to the ground right after Joshua finished playing an absolutely boss saxophone solo."We now believe that shortly after the trumpets blasted, Joshua broke out the…

JERUSALEM — Scholars of the Hebrew Bible at Israel's Bar Ilan University have discovered new fine print in the Noahic Covenant. The divine vow to never again flood the earth is rendered "null and void," experts explain, if humanity ever…

LOS ANGELES, CA — California residents reported growing concern over the fate of their state after a wide variety of animals were seen going in pairs toward a large wooden boat.An eccentric old bearded Jewish man has reportedly been…

HARRAN — Archeologists working in the Middle East say they've uncovered the world's oldest cassette tape, which they believe was used as a mix tape by the biblical Jacob in his lengthy courtship with Rachel, as detailed in the first book of…

ISRAEL — Scholars now believe that the disciples who handed out food so ably to the five-thousand may have in fact been Chick-fil-A employees."These guys handled a lunch rush of five thousand people with just a twelve-man crew? Who else…