Scripture

CANA — After hearing wine was back on the menu, local bridesmaid Abigail approached Jesus and asked if He could turn the water into something a little fruity, but not too sweet."Can I get something sweet, but not like, too sweet?" asked…

GALILEE — Local fishermen Peter and Andrew were deeply disappointed to discover today that Jesus was not, in fact, going to teach them to catch humans with giant novelty fish hooks."He said 'fishers of men', ok?" said Peter dejectedly. "My…

JERUSALEM — Jesus of Nazareth has come under fire once again, sparking accusations of ableism after miraculously helping a paralyzed man walk."Calling this a 'miraculous healing' only reinforces the idea that being paralyzed is somehow…

GENEVA—This week, a panel of Bible scholars issued a joint statement clarifying that the Mark of the Beast is actually “$6.66”—the price of gas at the end of latter days. “Deeper study has revealed that we were misreading this passage—it’s…

It's a big book, but reading it is an important part of our spiritual walk. From morning devotionals to more in-depth studies, everyone needs to carve out a little time in their day to crack open that sacred tome and spend some time in…

CAIRO—Nautical archaeologists have at last discovered the exact location of where the Israelites crossed the Red Sea, having found a rock reading "Moses Wuz Here". "It seems a bit juvenile, but the evidence is unmistakable," said…

CANAAN—In an absolutely humiliating mixup yesterday, Joseph son of Jacob confidently strolled around town in his rainbow-colored coat, as he had totally forgotten it was Pride Month. "Hey man, you do know it's June now, right?"…

MESOPOTAMIA—After Noah’s children whined him into adopting millions of animals on the condition that they would be responsible for the animals, biblical patriarch Noah reports that he is now stuck doing all the work. Sources close to the…

MESOPOTAMIA—According to the town crier, the proud owner of an expensive new sports camel is none other than local hunter/gatherer Methuselah. The local community has reportedly mocked the 484-year-old patriarch for going through a midlife…

JERUSALEM—In an absolutely savage prank, the disciples bought the Apostle Peter an alarm clock that goes off in the morning by blaring the crow of a rooster three times. “This is going to be EPIC,” said Philip, rubbing his hands with glee…