sexual acts

MISSOULA, MT—Bringing significant attention to the fact that the person who gave birth to you has carnal needs and desires just like anyone else, a report released inside your head Tuesday confirmed that your mother is a sexual creature.…

Start SlideshowWhile pleasuring oneself can be fun, sometimes it can be beneficial to remove your hand from your pants and give your overworked genitals a break. Here are all the hidden health benefits of refusing to…

Start SlideshowTake this quiz to see if you have the knowledge and skills required to sexually pleasure a woman. AdvertisementPrevious SlideNext SlideQ: Which of these women deserve to feel pleasure? Q: Which of these women deserve to feel…

Start SlideshowWhen you first start dating a man, topics will inevitably arise that simply feel too gross, intimidating, or personal to discuss. The Onion answers every embarrassing sex question women wish they could ask their…

While Christmas is supposed to be filled with family, food, and holiday cheer, many Americans instead choose to spend it alone, in front of a computer, with their hands down their pants. The following are the most common porn searches made…

BOCA RATON, FL—Letting out several deep moans as she remarked upon the terrible winter storm battering the Midwest, local mom Carrie Whittacker, currently on vacation in southern Florida, reportedly took an almost pornographic pleasure…

SANTA FE, NM—As the distressed and presumably very horny individual knocked frantically on the door, sources reported Thursday that panicked-looking local man Henry McDonald, who was seen shifting uncomfortably outside of an occupied public…

WASHINGTON—Spreading the word ahead of time so that Americans wouldn’t be caught off guard, President Joe Biden announced that all of the nation’s vibrators would buzz at 2 p.m. today in a test of the Emergency Stimulation Program. “This…

Porn, in all its hairless, vaguely consensual glory, gives everyday Americans an unrealistic view of how disgusting sexual intercourse really is. While you may think you look like the MILFs, naughty stepsons, or barely legal teens that you…

A handjob in the movie theatre seeing Harry Potter And The Goblet of Fire. Feeling yourself getting close to the edge as Harry dives underwater to save his friends during the Tri-Wizard tournament. Seeing Harry use the “ascendio” spell to…