Sexual Assault

TORONTO – Hockey Canada’s CEO and board of directors have resigned and finally acknowledged the true victims of a long ordeal that has damaged the sport’s reputation – its corporate sponsors. “I would like to profoundly apologize to Bauer,…

TORONTO – The nation was stunned and confused this week after the actions taken by two pillars of Canadian society resulted in the disorienting feeling that Tim Hortons is now a more reputable institution than Hockey Canada. “Tim Hortons…

OTTAWA – As they continue to resist calls for institutional change, Hockey Canada officials are promising Canadians that they will be able to eliminate the rape culture currently pervasive in youth and professional hockey without replacing…

VATICAN CITY – Pope Francis issued a statement Thursday deeming the sexual assault allegations against Quebec Cardinal Marc Ouellet as ‘insufficient grounds’ to launch a formal investigation. The announcement comes following a preliminary…

Virginia Attorney General Jason Miyares announced on Saturday that his office has opened an investigation into Loudoun County Public Schools for covering up multiple allegations of sexual assaults dating back several years. The announcement…

OTTAWA – The Canadian Armed Forces’ former head of human resources, Vice-Admiral Hayden Edmundson, has been charged with sexual assault this week in news you’re sure you heard already even though that was actually a different military guy…

The Sex Offender Management Board of the State of Colorado has voted to rebrand the term “sex offender,” replacing it with the euphemistic phrase, “adults who commit sexual offenses.” The board’s decision passed following a 10-6 vote…

CALGARY- After announcing he would not be stepping down as Ward 4 Councilor amid protests over his 1997 sexual assault of a minor, Sean Chu said he is deeply disappointed that his current coworkers aren’t nearly as chill about it as his…

All eyes were on Andrew Cuomo on Tuesday after the disgraced New York governor shockingly announced his resignation. Corporate media waffled between aghast that their pandemic “hero” could be so inappropriate and hopeful that Cuomo would…

PENNSYLVANIA — Despite being credibly accused of sexual assault by sixty women and serving just under three years of a possible 10 year sentence, Bill Cosby was released from prison today after the Pennsylvania Supreme Court announced that…