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WASHINGTON—With the party’s candidate facing increased pressure to step down after a disastrous debate performance, the Democratic National Committee released a commercial Monday that claims a doddering, out-of-it President Joe Biden will…

NEW YORK—As extreme heat continued to batter states across much of the Midwest and East Coast, authorities warned Friday that dozens of Americans had died in what’s really the least of the nation’s problems right now. “We’ve seen numerous…

NEW YORK—Throwing another outfit across the room with an emphatic sob, an inconsolable Anna Wintour reportedly changed tonight’s Met Gala theme to “Looking Like Shit” after waking up feeling ugly. “Sorry for the last-minute change,…

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CLEVELAND—In a sign of solidarity to a nearby child-burdened party attempting to eat breakfast in peace at a local IHOP, 43-year-old father Greg Markie reportedly gave a knowing nod Tuesday to another family also dealing with a whiny little…

MUSKEGON, MI—Letting out an emphatic sigh as the boy began crying, local dad Harry Moran reportedly lost his patience Wednesday after providing his child with several continuous seconds of emotional support. “Oh, come on, are we still…

NEW YORK—Moaning with pleasure as they revealed that this was exactly what Daddy needed, the nation’s sick freaks held a press conference Friday to announce their plans to get off on that. “Oh yeah, baby, that’s exactly the crazy shit…

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Pressing the recently used and dripping wet plunger up to his mouth and nose, local child Caden Liu announced, “It’s me, Pinocchio,” on Thursday. “Look, Daddy, look! My nose is long, just like Pinocchio!” said the visibly…

Eight of the world’s signature flames can be yours with this collector’s set of handcrafted fires made from a variety of flammable materials from around the globe. Includes Zimbabwe thatch hut, old-growth forest, jagged wreckage,…

SALINA, KS—Expressing remorse for ruining the staff’s hard work, local man Jason Reddick told reporters Monday that he always felt guilty shitting on a freshly mopped café floor. “I feel so bad when an employee has literally just put down…