shopping

MONTREAL – A local woman has begun shopping for brand new clothes, even though nothing fucking matters anymore. “I’m sick of everything I own”, says Layla Veenstra, who just finished a documentary on the threat of nuclear winter. “I…

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WINNIPEG – Due to ongoing supply chain issues across the country, a local woman has completely run out of fucks to give. Alexis Jenkins, 29, has historically given excessive fucks, otherwise known as “having anxiety.” Unfortunately, after…

EDMONTON – Local sources report that shopper Dan Hibbert has been talked into buying a bulk pack of Yamaha C7X Grand Pianos. “My wife’s going to kill me for making such a large purchase without consulting her, but this deal is so good…

EDMONTON – Retailers across Canada want to assure Canadian consumers that despite global supply chain issues and shortages, they guarantee to have the worst version of what you want in stock for the holidays. Retailers have been struggling…

TORONTO – As retail stores opened in Ontario this weekend, thousands of losers, nobodies and morons chose to stand in line to buy items from retail stores instead of just ordering everything from Amazon, the conglomerate run by Jeff Bezos,…

CHATHAM – Lewis White was forced to move after his house filled up with too many boxes that he deemed worth saving. White had been collecting boxes for years but once the pandemic hit and his online orders increased, his box…