Sports

OTTAWA – A new poll by Angus Reid has confirmed that the vast majority of Canadians would favour de-legalizing sports betting if it means the incessant ads would finally stop. “When the government made it legal I thought ‘why not? Maybe…

TORONTO — Citing a dearth of centre-of-the-universe-centric content, TSN is boosting its coverage of Toronto. In announcing the move, President Steve Johnson said it was an effort to shine a deserving light on underrepresented stories in…

ST. CATHARINES, ON – Local man Devon Rettinger recently expressed bewilderment that his thorough knowledge of the statistics of the Buffalo Sabres in their 1996-1997 season hasn’t led to more recognition, or at least job opportunities.…

TORONTO – In the wake of the Toronto Raptors second straight loss to the Philadelphia 76ers the NHL referees association has congratulated NBA officiating for screwing over the Toronto based team even more severely than they usually do. “We…

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—A local man chose to watch a game of golf on his television yesterday afternoon while relaxing on his couch with his favorite snacks. According to sources, he watched patiently as Rory McIlroy appeared to line up his…

AUGUSTA, GA—Changes to the game of golf were enacted by the PGA Tour Thursday—just in time for the Masters Tournament at the Augusta National Golf Course—in order to make the sport more exciting. Instead of traditional play, golfers…

TORONTO – As the debate rages about who is the best player in the NHL: Auston Matthews or Connor McDavid, experts are saying there is no real way to properly settle the debate until they both play for the Leafs in a few years. “It’s just…

TORONTO – Usually it’s the hockey players that are praised for inspiring people. But today people are taking time to praise the unsung heroes of the game, the refs, for letting them know it is possible to get a high-paying job where you do…

TORONTO – With Canada’s Men’s Soccer Team beating Jamaica 4-0 in a qualifying match, the entire nation is reportedly curious to discover what this so-called “World Cup” is that they’ve heard tell about for years. “We’re just so excited to…

PHILADELPHIA, PA—Champion swimmer Lia Thomas (she/her) is constantly being asked by her teammates to open pickle jars, and it's reportedly causing a great deal of confusion. Thomas reports she has never been more distracted. "I'm a…