Sports

BEIJING—The entire U.S. men's curling team was disqualified from further play this week after a drug test revealed obscene levels of raw, unadulterated masculinity. "We've never seen testosterone levels even remotely this high in our…

LOS ANGELES, CA—Tonight's Super Bowl event has been temporarily delayed so LA authorities can clear out a homeless encampment that sprung up overnight on the 50-yard line. "Unfortunately, we may have to delay the game by 30 or 40…

The efforts of leftists to destroy the world of sports took another Great Leap Forward last week with the news that former Miami Dolphins head coach Brian Flores filed a class-action suit against the NFL and all 32 NFL teams for racial…

INGLEWOOD, CA—President Joe Biden is planning to wipe out the National Debt with a genius double or nothing bet on the Cincinnati Bengals. Biden held a meeting with the Treasury Department to go over the plan."My bookie, ole Jiffy Dan, was…

GRIMSBY, ON ― 34-year-old Garret Larsen, boyfriend of local skip Eliza Dupont, has admitted that her tendency to compare their sex life to curling is starting to wear a little thin. “It was funny the first time she joked that she’d ‘take…

BEIJING—NBC’s Olympic coverage of the Men’s Figure Skating event did not disappoint the network’s nearly hundreds of viewers as acclaimed Chinese figure skater Jin Boyang executed a flawless performance while several laser…

BEIJING—Olympian skier Väinö Mäkinen won a gold medal for Finland this morning after making an incredible jump over a concentration camp prison yard. "After years of work, I'm very happy with my performance today," said Mäkinen.…

ESPN logo and building are shown in down town Los Angeles, California (Mike Blake/Reuters) ESPN featured a sports pundit Friday who said it’s hypocritical for Americans to be preoccupied with China’s egregious human rights violations…

What, they’re still doing that? Like with Omicron and everything? I mean, hello, and welcome to the 2022 Winter Games happening in… wait until Wikipedia refreshes… Beijing! Wait, is that a typo? Didn’t they already do an Olympics in…

The Beijing 2022 Winter Olympics have begun! Elite athletes from all over the globe have descended upon China to find out who will have the honor of being blacklisted for suggesting China is a dictatorship that is actively…