Sports

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi called today for Olympians to refrain from criticizing concentration camps and slavery, citing how embarrassing it was when Jesse Owens made a scene in front of Adolf Hitler. “We can all…

Lia Thomas of the Pennsylvania Quakers after finishing a freestyle event during a tri-meet against the Yale Bulldogs and the Dartmouth Big Green at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia, Pa., January 8, 2022. (Hunter…

SUMMERFIELD, MD—The Washington Football Team changed its name this week, finalizing a year-long transition from 'Redskins' to 'Commanders.' Along with the shiny new name, the team announced a brand new mascot: General…

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND – In response to growing concerns about the highly-infectious Omicron variant, the International Olympic Committee has opted to do the right thing and add a new event for cross-country infection. “We understand…

TAMPA, FL—Tom Brady announced his retirement this week after suddenly realizing he was playing for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, sources confirmed earlier today. "Oh, man. What am I doing?" Brady said, suddenly snapping out of it. "I've…

TAMPA, FL—After an epic 26-year career in football, quarterback Tom Brady has finally announced his retirement, forever abandoning his quest to be as good at football as Tim Tebow. Tebow, whose NFL career was unmatched by any…

Tampa Bay Buccaneers quarterback Tom Brady (12) drops back to pass in the first half against the Philadelphia Eagles in a NFC Wild Card playoff football game at Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, Fla., January 16, 2022. (Nathan Ray…

EDMONTON – Overhearing a sportscaster mention that the Toronto Maple Leafs could be the only Canadian team to make the playoffs this year has sent local man Dave Kilmartin into a full blown rage. “No! Then when TSN only talks about the…

TAMPA,FL—The NFL has implemented a controversial new rule for all games that go into overtime that is certain to change football forever. Now, instead of determining the winner by who scores the most in overtime, the referee will just play…

BEIJING – Officials from Beijing and the International Olympic Committee (IOC) confirmed this week that the 2022 Winter Olympics won’t be cancelled amidst rising COVID cases, as they have already put down the deposit for the rental chairs.…