Sports

PARIS, FRANCE ― The 2024 Summer Olympics are kicking off this week, and with so many events, you’re likely wondering which ones are worth tuning in for. The short answer is none of them, because summer sports suck. However, if you still…

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Insisting repeatedly that they just didn’t have the space, physical therapy practice Elite Recovery politely declined New York Giants quarterback Daniel Jones’ offer Friday of a framed and signed game-worn jersey for the…

A surprise eruption in Yellowstone National Park shot steam, water, and dark-colored rocks and dirt high into the sky, sending alarmed sightseers running for safety. What do you think?“America’s National Parks really do have the most…

CHICAGO, IL — The coaching staff of the Minnesota Twins recently made a breakthrough discovery after realizing that the key to winning baseball games is simply playing every game against the Chicago White Sox.Commentators and Twins fans…

EDMONTON – The Edmonton Oilers announced the hiring of Stan Bowman, the Blackhawks executive who helped cover up the sexual abuse of Kyle Beach by assistant coach Brad Aldrich, as part of their ongoing plan to become the league’s most hated…

SAN FRANCISCO—As front-office executives surveyed the damage done to their record-keeping facility, Major League Baseball announced Monday that it had lost millions of stats Monday in a devastating warehouse blaze. “It is with a heavy heart…

Athletes from around the world have begun arriving in Paris ahead of the 2024 Summer Olympics. The Onion met up with Simone Biles, the most decorated gymnast in history, to discuss mental health, the pressure to succeed, and her experience…

CHICAGO—With the franchise on track to have what may be the single worst season in the modern history of the sport, Major League Baseball sought to remind the Chicago White Sox on Friday that the team’s games were televised. “Based on the…

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ORLANDO, FL — A spokesman for Nike has just confirmed that the athletic apparel giant has just finished signing a $12 million pickleball endorsement deal with Ethel Jenkens, an 82-year-old New York and Florida snowbird.Jenkins, who first…