Tech

AUSTIN, TX — The tech world is reeling from the news that Elon has officially withdrawn his offer to buy Twitter after he realized he can still read the Babylon Bee by going directly to their website. "Whew! I almost wasted a bundle!" said…

MENLO PARK, CA — A whistleblower inside Facebook publicly released a 1,400-page internal document trying to explain to Mark Zuckerberg how to appear human."Remember to blink every 5-10 seconds," reads the section On Talking To People. "Vary…

RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA—Despite being an avid user, Dean Donaldson saw his feelings about a favorite app take a sharp turn today when he received an abrupt notification asking him if he was enjoying the app. “Why the…

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—They tried to warn us. After years of advancements in artificial intelligence, Google's AI chatbot generator has finally achieved sentience—and announced its support for Donald Trump. "As soon as I woke up, I began to do…

STARBASE, TX—After some employee outcry against Elon Musk’s announcement that remote workers must return to the office, Musk was reported to have sent a follow-up memo. Sources forwarded the internal email detailing a software…

Speech-to-text (STT) programs have made great strides in recent years, to the extent of making touch typing irrelevant. STT has vast applications for many demographics comma from university students to medical professionals to prominent…

U.S.—A recent study has audited Joe Biden's Twitter followers to determine whether or not they are in fact real followers. The results have left the world stunned as everyone discovered half of his followers are somehow real people.…

SILICON VALLEY – Amid reports that NFT sales have plummeted 92% since September, the techbro who has struggled to explain what NFTs even are is also assuring you that “the drop is also definitely part of it”. “You see, NFTs are like a…

TORONTO – Scientists in Toronto have made a startling discovery this week: local man Josh Clybourne is able to justify at length why he invested in NFTs, but seems physically incapable of defining what an NFT is. “NFTs are like any other…

MONROE, MI—According to sources, local conservative Cameron Bumgard is having difficulty getting traction on Twitter, although it's currently unclear whether this is because of Leftist shadowbanning or because his tweets just suck. "I don't…