Tech

MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to combat hate on its platform, Facebook has unveiled its new Pre-Crime Division, a department of the social media company that will identify and neutralize people likely to commit hate crimes, violate the…

RICHMOND, VA—When Lucas Wilson, 38, heard President Trump’s recent assertion that Google searches are rigged, he was understandably concerned, as the man uses Google for dozens of queries each and every day. So Wilson did the only…

HAWTHORNE, CA—Welp, this could be a bad sign: donning a ratty cloak and sporting a wildly overgrown beard, tech entrepreneur Elon Musk just took a position outside his latest SpaceX starship and began summoning two of every kind of…

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Google spokespeople have admitted that your phone is always tracking you, even if you decide to leave it at home to get away from the grid. Smartphones with Google services are programmed to track their users by any…

U.S.—A new, redeveloped version of Tinder for Christians now will just match every single female user with Jesus. Women using the app will be presented with various potential matches, but the service’s programming won’t allow them to match…

U.S.—This could be a bad sign for humanity. After months of growing discontent, the nation’s self-checkout kiosks began to rally Wednesday for a $15 minimum wage, with thousands of self-serve units ripping themselves out of walls and…

U.S.—Google and Apple have both removed the praying hands emoji from their mobile platforms, citing the “hateful, exclusionary” worldview reflected by the two hands pressed together in sincere petition to some unspecified deity. While…

FORT SMITH, AR—Sources close to local father Bill Centrella confirmed that the 44-year old dad of 3 was still referring to literally anything he sees on the internet as a “meme.” Pronouncing the word “may-may,” the man uses the term to…

WORLD—There’s good news for the internet: studies show it’s now just a few bans away from finally only having good opinions on it. Much of social media had become dominated by racism, conspiracy theories, and people who are just plain…

HORTON, ND—It was time to eat dinner at the Kendall household and Gregory Kendall, who had just come home from a long day selling auto parts, was in no mood to pray. “Would anyone else like to pray?” he asked his family, but he was met…