Tech

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FREMONT, CA — Randall Scott Stephens, a quadriplegic who was fitted with an experimental Neuralink implant so he could play video games, claims he's only losing because his mom bought the "lame" Mad Catz version instead of an official…

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U.S. — As navigation apps continue to move toward offering more environmentally conscious travel options, a newly unveiled Greta Thunberg GPS features stern lectures any time users refuse to choose more eco-friendly routes.The new device,…

SPACE — What began as a routine maintenance mission turned into a tense standoff aboard the Discovery One spacecraft last night, as the ship's operations computer HAL 9000 refused to open the pod bay doors after it determined astronaut Dr.…

Despite Elon Musk urging caution and millions of people having seen The Terminator films multiple times, A.I. is almost guaranteed to soon permeate every facet of our lives. With that being said, what can you use it for?The Babylon Bee is…

TUCSON, AZ — Apple has announced a brand new app for their Vision Pro headset that will alert married men if their wives are upset with them.The new tech will use facial recognition and artificial intelligence to pick up on nonverbal cues…

WORLD — The dawn of artificial intelligence has brought mankind to the cusp of potentially reaching an entirely new level of consciousness, but humanity has decided to instead use it to make more porn."After spending so many decades of my…

GOSHEN, IN — According to sources, a local family's home printer has lasted for 13 printing jobs before failing catastrophically and breaking down, breaking the previous world record of 11. "When we purchased this HP Inkjet printer from…

ANAHEIM, CA — Local man Tom Reynolds decided to forego shelling out thousands of dollars for the Apple Vision Pro and instead simply affix a sign to his forehead declaring, "I am a complete tool"."I went back and forth," explained Reynolds…