the onion

CINCINNATI—In an effort to ensure the dazzling culinary performance received the thoughtful consideration it deserved, staff at a local Benihana restaurant reportedly asked diners Wednesday to surrender their phones so everyone could be in…

In recent days, The Onion staff, corporate owners, and advertising partners have watched in horror at the devastation unfolding in the Middle East. As this unceasing cycle of violence continues, we believe it is time for this publication to…

WASHINGTON—President Joe Biden reportedly nominated popular Twitter account @PossumEveryHour Wednesday for United States Office of Management and Budget Director after discovering bipartisan support of the account’s tweets. “Today, I am…

And they weren’t even playing with it right. Hear why these dead children apparently thought it would be a good idea to ruin the fun for everyone else.The Onion is creating The Topical, America's Only Daily News Podcast | PatreonBecome a…

Hear why Congress is still looking for answers as to why this crucial defense system wasn’t used to melt rioters’ eyeballs right out of their skulls and incinerate their bodies instantly.You can find The Topical on Apple…

Following his inauguration, speculation has turned to what President Joe Biden will do with his first 100 days in office. The Onion takes a deep dive into the first 100 days of the Biden administration.Day 1: Rejoin World Health…