Theology

U.S. — After decades of discussion, theologians have confirmed that missing church is totally fine so long as it's for a kid's travel ball league.While other reasons fell short of excusing church attendance, going to watch nine-year-olds…

HEAVEN — God confirmed this week that our heavenly bodies will look very similar to the aesthetic of animator Hayao Miyazaki, creator of Studio Ghibli."We are happy to confirm that the glorified bodies of the saints shall all be fashioned…

JERUSALEM — Sources close to the Son of God report that Jesus Christ has just called upon his followers to eat Fillet-o-Fish sandwiches for 40 days in order to prepare for his crucifixion.According to Peter, who used to be a fisherman,…

LOS ANGELES, CA — After years of fierce debate, theologians from all the major branches of Christianity have now come to an agreement that lying to your dentist about the frequency of flossing in your dental hygiene routine is not a…

U.S. — After years of examining the texts about the second coming of Christ, Bible scholars now believe that Jesus will return again thirteen days after the second coming in order to pick up the Orthodox believers.With all of Christ's…

CHICAGO, IL — Following extensive study, a group of prominent theologians agreed that the Antichrist would most likely be a podcaster.Through a deep examination of biblical prophecy, the group offered up a detailed theory that the "Man of…

HEAVEN — Individuals waiting in line to enter their eternal home were struck with fear, as they realized Saint Peter was asking everyone at the Pearly Gates to list five ways they advanced God's kingdom on earth.The unexpected productivity…

In college, my freshman theology professor constantly made us repeat the saying: “A text without a context is a pretext for a prooftext.” In other words, twisting Scripture out of context to back up a predetermined position is dangerous…

NEW YORK, NY — The global religious sphere experienced a sudden shift this week, as millions of Christians renounced their faith after an irrefutable social media post from Neil deGrasse Tyson.Devout followers of Jesus Christ reportedly…

JERUSALEM — Scholars at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem now claim that Moses considered himself incapable of speech because of his thick Jersey accent.In Exodus 4:10, Moses is quoted as saying, "I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor…