Theology

In college, my freshman theology professor constantly made us repeat the saying: “A text without a context is a pretext for a prooftext.” In other words, twisting Scripture out of context to back up a predetermined position is dangerous…

NEW YORK, NY — The global religious sphere experienced a sudden shift this week, as millions of Christians renounced their faith after an irrefutable social media post from Neil deGrasse Tyson.Devout followers of Jesus Christ reportedly…

JERUSALEM — Scholars at the Hebrew University of Jerusalem now claim that Moses considered himself incapable of speech because of his thick Jersey accent.In Exodus 4:10, Moses is quoted as saying, "I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor…

VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis issued an official statement today demanding that God remove the walls and gates that surround the Kingdom of Heaven. From deep inside the forty-foot walls of Vatican City, Pope Francis strongly condemned the God…

EDEN — According to reports, tensions escalated in the Garden this week after Adam, the world's only man, was seen wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with the message "There is only one gender."Sources believed the man was protesting several…

PHOENIX, AZ — A local Christian community was thrown into an uproar this week when it came to people's attention that there was a retard among them who not only reads the Bible but also believes that it just means what it says.The group of…

GRAND RAPIDS, MI — Zondervan Publishing announced today that it would be introducing a new Bible concordance that gives readers out-of-context verses to justify any sinful behavior.The new Sin Justification Concordance, which features…

BETHLEHEM — With a long but eventful evening near its end, witnesses said the young Jewish girl Mary bit her tongue, smiled politely, and sighed patiently as the three visiting wise men from the East finished their presentation for the…

BETHLEHEM — Residents of Bethlehem in Judea reported that it was anything but a silent night this evening, as they were treated to two different concerts by two young musicians. Eyewitnesses said that shortly after the little drummer boy…

JERUSALEM — A tale retold at Christmastime for thousands of years was shaken up this week, as a newly discovered scroll revealed a fourth wise man who brought baby Jesus the best gift of all: a priceless Lego Millennium Falcon.The discovery…