Theology

HEAVEN—Christians around the world are thrilled after the Almighty confirmed recent rumors that the trumpet sound played at the return of Christ will be composed by none other than Hans Zimmer. "No one knows the day or the hour of His…

HELL—The Prince of Darkness Grim confirmed today that he doesn't actually like rock and roll music and that he's more into bro-country. The Devil made the statement during a brief break from attempting to orchestrate the demise of…

Wicked To Be Given Choice Between Hell And Standing Around At Some Kid's Birthday Party For All Eternity HELL—In the interest of fairness and freedom of choice, Hell announced today that going forward, the wicked will be given the option of…

U.S.—A new study has found a connection between checking the news headlines and aching for that day when Jesus will return to make all things new. The study found that Christians who read the news suddenly find within themselves a deep…

Heaven Installs Garbage Can At Entrance For Discarding All The Seashells You Wasted Your Life Collecting HEAVEN—According to sources reporting from the afterlife, heaven has installed a garbage can at the entrance to the eternal state along…

MENLO PARK, CA—Facebook has introduced a new prayer request feature. Unfortunately, according to Mark Zuckerberg, many people are posting prayer requests with lots of misinformation in them. So, to fight these misleading prayers,…

WORLD—Atheists across the globe have come together to celebrate this truly magnificent day that they lovingly refer to as Meaningless Rock Hurtling Through Space Day. This is a day where they hope to reflect on and raise awareness about the…

Pope Announces Vaccine Selfies Can Now Be Turned In To Spring A Relative Out Of Purgatory VATICAN—In an effort to encourage vaccination among faithful Catholics worldwide, Pope Francis has announced that for a limited time, vaccine selfies…

Progressive Christian Hopes Heaven Will Feature Segregated Spaces For Every Tribe, Tongue, Nation MONTEREY, CA—Local progressive Christian Charlie Jenks was pondering the promise of Scripture that in the new heaven and the new earth there…

WORLD—In defiance of changing cultural norms, the Creator of the universe stubbornly announced his plans to stay the same forever, no matter what anyone says. "I am the same yesterday, today, and forever," The Almighty reportedly said…